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Newsflash: Obama SOLVES Middle East Crisis!

2011-05-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

Nice:

"...The [Obama] administration's vision is for an eventual Palestinian state along the general lines of the borders that prevailed before the Six-Day war that began June 5, 1967..."

So... Using that sort of "logic"... I suppose we should give Texas and California back to Mexico?

And everything West of the Mississippi to the casino injuns?

Why does Obama fuck up everything he touches? And why... if he already knows he fucks up everything he touches, does he not simply STOP TOUCHING THINGS???

Jesus fucking Christ.

Dude's fucking killing us.

I told you so...

2011-05-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

I told you this shit would happen, and now it's happening. Here it is: End of America, end of the civilized world. Right on the fucking doorstep, wrapped in a Goddamned bow.

And that's why I haven't had anything to say lately.

I couldn't think of anything to write besides, "I told you so."

And what the fuck good does that do?

The world has reached the tipping point, and it's over the edge. The primitives have bred out so fucking many of themselves that modern man is officially overwhelmed, and his, (our,) society is crumbling into dust, even as...

Even as we still retain the power to annihilate and defeat the cavemen and "human" animals destroying everything we've accomplished, because...

Because, we don't have the stomach.

1) Ultra "religious" Muslim animals will soon control all middle east oil, and they will either stop pumping just for the hell of it, or for destruction of the fields, or just because they're too fucking stupid to know which switches to flip after they've killed off/chased away all the western technicians who currently run their pumps. Pick a reason for the stoppage, but know and understand that gasoline at $4.25 per gallon is not the "new norm" - $50 per gallon is the new norm. Get used to it.

2) Africa is already on fire from increased food import costs, (since they're too fucking primitive to grow their own Goddamn corn, and too fucking stupid to stop fucking out new Africans.) The famine they are falling into is unprecedented, and the resulting migration will be unstoppable. They will burn, and eat, and destroy everything in their path. They will head North. God help all who reside upon their route.

3) As goes the oil, so goes the grain, so goes America. And China. And Europe. The food riots begin in... oh, let's say, February 2012. Tickets are now on sale at outlets everywhere.

4) Our leader who art in DC has turned a blind eye, as his defective brain can't encompass the turmoil that surrounds him. He doesn't like big problems, so he attempts to ignore them away as he wastes his time and power addressing idiotic health care proposals and amnesty for illegal aliens.

5) Goodbye, dear world.

6) I told you so.

7) Oh well.

8) Drink a cocktail, smoke a fatty, and watch as the primitives tear down human society. Watch as modern man is completely displaced by the missing links.

9) Watch, as our defensive weapons lie unused, as we allow the wave of ninth world primitives to creep up and eventually inundate everything we have achieved.

10) Watch.

It's all you can do. Because we don't have the stomach to do what's necessary to prevent it.

Oh well.

I told you so.

Oh well.

Un-American

2011-04-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

KORAN BURNING IS 'UN-AMERICAN' SAYS WHITE HOUSE

"We absolutely condemn the burning of a holy text. We think it is un-American and inappropriate," said White House spokesman Jay Carney.

Nope. That's incorrect.

Burning a Quran, a flag, a bible - or even this months issue of Hustler magazine, or maybe a stack of Beatles albums, is not at all un-American. It is in fact, the motherfucking EPITOME of AMERICANISM.

We have, you see, a constitutionally guaranteed right to something called FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH. (I mean, we have that right today; but the way things are going... there's no fucking telling if we'll still have it tomorrow.)

Look:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Beautiful. Don't you agree? By God, now that's American! As Goddamned American as apple fucking pie.

But...

But, Obama says it's un-American to exercise the First Amendment. He'd rather we all join him in taking a big steaming shit on our Goddamn Bill Of Rights in order to appease the wishes of ninth-world Islamic goat-fuckers.

He'd prefer we ignore our freedoms and rights, and he'd like for us instead, to cower in fear before the murdering primates of Islam.

Bullshit, you fuckin' asshole - and FUCK YOU. I'll tell you what's un-fucking-American, you skinny little prick: YOU Obama, YOU are un-American.

It's absolutely, incontrovertibly un-Goddamned-American, Obama, that YOU and your boot-licking sycophants clearly hold higher value for the asinine wishes of foreign Islamic animals, than you do for the Bill Of Rights.

You, Obama, are un-American. And...

And that, children...

...is frightening.

How fucking refreshing...

2011-03-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

"Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency."
Barack H. Obama, January 21, 2009

Wasn't that refreshing?

Wasn't it nice to have an incoming American president tell us he's on the up and up, and that his administration was going to operate on principles, and in an atmosphere of openness, honesty and truth?

Too bad (for us,) that was just rhetoric.

It would have been refreshing.

Oh well.

March 30, 2011: President Obama has signed a secret presidential finding authorizing covert operations to aid the effort in Libya where rebels are in full retreat despite air support from U.S. and allied forces, a source tells ABC News.

The White House press office issued a statement saying it does not comment on intelligence matters.

Um... Didn't George W. Stupid at least get congressional approval before dropping bombs on Baghdad?

The fuck is going on here, over? The fuck? Who the fuck does that skinny little dipshit think he is? King Obama the 1st?

The fuck?

Like a match factory in a preschool?

2011-03-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

This is a weird headline:

BLAST AT YEMEN MUNITIONS PLANT KILLS MORE THAN 100

Did you know there was a munitions plant in Yemen? Who the fuck would... Why the fuck would anyone put a Goddamn munitions plant in fucking YEMEN???

Of all the stupid Goddamned places to build a bomb factory - YEMEN??? The last thing those goat fucking dog-brains need is a motherfucking bomb factory.

It's like...

It's like, putting a match factory in a preschool... or... or, maybe having a Boy Scout sleep-over at a Catholic Church?

Bizarre.

Fucking bizarre.

Earth Hour 2011: It's Time To Kill The Children

2011-03-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hey kids - Guess what time it is?

IT'S TIME FOR EARTH HOUR 2011!!!

Goddamn, it seems like only yesterday I was castigating the naked dipshits of our failing fucking world for believing they're "making a difference" by turning out their fucking lights for a WHOLE FUCKING HOUR...

(You can read last year's show by clicking the title of this post)

...and here it is a whole year later, and - OHMYGOD - just look at "the difference" Earth Hour 2010 has made! Look at all the "awareness" that's been raised! Look at how the planet is just fucking SMILING at all those beautiful children, all across our world who turned their lights out, and who are poised to do so again tonight, (or tomorrow night... or, I can never figure out exactly when they're supposed to do it...)

Look - Here's a whole school that's making a difference:

The children at our preschool at Oyster Bay are leading by example, treading lightly on the earth and making a difference every day with their sustainable practices...

The children are thoughtful with their water use, turn off the computer and lights every day and take the Earth Hour message home to their families...

Aw... Ain't that just special? The CHILDREN are teaching us! Aw, it's just fuckin' beautiful, man. Beautiful! I think I'm going to cry now.

The children, you see, they're teaching us that... wait. The children are... Hmmm. Wait. The children, they're... Shit. This isn't working.

Fuck. Let's see now... If I remember right, children are the only thing wrong with our planet. There are too many children for the Earth to support, so...

So, I guess what they're trying to teach us is that... Wait - can this be right?

I think they're trying to tell us that we need to kill them. Kill all children. Either that, or don't make them... but since they're already here, and since they want the planet to survive, well shit - there's no other option. We'll have to kill them.

Huh.

From that same "enlightened" little pre-school:

Four-year-old Emily sends you this message: "When you look after the flowers and plants and animals they make the world look beautiful for everyone. You should try it - it's fun and good too."

Well okay, little Emily, but are you sure? I mean, Christ - I've never killed a child before. Are you absolutely certain you want me to kill you in order to look after the flowers and plants and animals? And...

And, I guess if you really want me to be "green," and "sustainable," well then... I guess that means I'll have to recycle you - right? Oh, I don't know if I can do this! I've never eaten pre-schooler. I wonder what they taste like? Can I put A1 on you, or is that too un-green? What about ketchup? Mustard?

You fucking idiots. You're at it again, aren't you? Spewing your stupid eco-propaganda at the world's children without telling them the brutal, ugly truth: CHILDREN are the problem. The only problem.

We must kill them.

We must kill all the children.

Or...

Or, I guess we could just say fuckit, and turn out the lights for an hour. The planet will still die, of course, but...

But, who needs a planet anyway?

Fuckit.

Running with stupid

2011-03-20T07:59:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while I find one of those "important" books in the thrift store, and so...

And so, I'll buy it, and I'll read it, (or I'll read enough of it to decide whether it's truly "important" or if it's just shit.)

Like, say... The Shipping News by Annie Proulx - which is indeed, "important," because it's fucking amazing. That book is a winner. It's "important." But...

But then, there are all those "other" "important" books; Every lame, boring page Doug Coupland ever shot out his lame, boring, overly-prolific ass, and then...

And then, there are all those books that are "important," because they tell the story of having a big throbbing dick pounded down one's prepubescent, male throat; That's a guarantee: If you write a book about getting skull fucked (and liking it,) when you were thirteen... you have just created instant "importantness." Trust me: I read a lot of fucking books - I know these things.

So.

So, I found Running With Scissors, by Augusten Burroughs. This is an "important" book! You can tell it's "important," just by looking at the author's photo: Look how "important" he is!

And, even without the "important" photo of the "important" author, I know it's an "important" book, because it made the NYT bestseller list, and because the blurbs on the back call it "horrifying and yet hilarious."

"Horrifying," they say.

"Hilarious," they say.

But...

But, that's what you say when you're a book reviewer for The SF Chronicle or Boston Globe, and you don't want any of your artphagg peers to think you don't "get it." You say this: You say, "A memoir that is both horrifyingly and mordantly funny."

Um, bullshit. You fucking idiots wouldn't know "funny," if "funny" bit you on the ass.

This is "funny?"

"...and then the black triangle smashes into my face. I can't breathe through my nose at all. All I can see is black. There's something else in my throat. It's filling with liquid..."

Wait... And this - this is "funny," too?

"...Neil [the thirty-two year-old dude who just skull fucked the thirteen year-old author] stands up and steps into his underwear. Briefs. White except for a dark brown streak mark running up the butt..."

"Important." This book is "important?"

I got your "important" swingin". This book ain't "important," it's just fucking gross. It's sad, it's pathetic. It's fucking gross.

It's shit.

The publisher fucked up when they printed it - they gave it the wrong cover. It should have looked like this:

We are not a warrior tribe

2011-03-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

We're not very good at it.

War, that is.

We, the United Goddamn States of America - we're pretty fuckin' good at a whole lotta things; We know how to put things in space and even on other planets, and we make computers do amazing things, and we make the best planes, and the best breakfast. But...

But, there are certain things we really suck at. Like...

Like, applying discipline in our public school system, so that our children might actually fucking learn something while they're there; something other than the finer arts of pimping, crack dealing and getting pregnant, I mean.

We suck at plenty of things, but perhaps the thing we suck worst at, is war. We're just awful at it.

We're terrible at it, because we're just too fucking nice about it. We give medical treatment to wounded Taliban animals instead of putting bullets in their fucking foreheads; We hand out weapons like Goddamned candy to supposed "allies," such as Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, and...

And, we send our troops all over the Goddamn world to help "people," (goats, dogs and rats, I mean,) who really just aren't all that appreciative of our efforts; "People" who should either be destroyed, or simply left to their own motherfucking devices.

We're just not very good at war - I mean, look at us:

We have the capability to quickly end all conflicts we're currently engaged in, but we just don't have the stomach to drag out the necessary weapons and pull the trigger.

We suck. At winning wars.

However.

However; you know what we're really, REALLY fucking good at?

We're damn good at starting wars - or even worse - jumping right the fuck into the middle of everyone else's Goddamned wars.

Iraq, Afghanistan, and now...

And now, Libya.

Nice going, Obama. You don't have the nuts to get us out of our current wars, and now you're going to send our kids off to fight another one? Another one - just like the other two - that will get us... what?

The fuck, Obama? Eh? What the fuck do we get from entering into Libya's civil war?

I know what Europe gets, jackass; they get a nice safe continuation of their oil supply and maybe a little containment. How nice. For fucking Europe.

But...

But, what do we get, Obama? What exactly do we get?

Nothing, you blithering idiot. Nothing but (more,) dead and maimed GI's.

That's what we get.

You stupid son of a bitch.

Fuck you.

You're an asshole.

You suck.

Hope you die tomorrow. (Note to FBI: of natural causes, of course...)

Duct Tape

2011-03-17T12:40:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about duct tape this morning.

I could go buy a couple cases, and get ready to seal us all in if/when the fallout hits.

But then again...

Then again, do I really want to do that?

What's worse: Radiation sickness or being sealed up tight in a little house with all your relatives?

Fuck that.

If she blows, she blows. I'll sit out on the porch and drink martinis in the glowing rain.

Interesting times we live in...

Uh-oh

2011-03-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Uh...

Japan moved eight feet closer to California as a result of that big shaker last week.

So...

So, I'm no fucking rocket scientist, but I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to assume that means...

Uh-oh.

It means those Goddamn dirty japs rode their tectonic plate, right the fuck up on top of MY tectonic plate.

WHAT THE FUCK, OVER!?

You lousy, rotten little bastards - Your own fuckin' plate ain't good enough for you? You had to go and ride up on MY Goddamn plate???

C'mon, now! What the fuck???

Man, that's just plain, fucked up rude.

Fuck.

What the hell is gonna happen to my plate now that all you little bastard zipperheads jumped on? You're not supposed to be on my plate, Goddamnit!

Get off!!!

Fuck.

Uh-oh.

I wonder when the shit starts?

Today?

Tomorrow?

Shit.

Goddamnit.

Fuck.

Uh-oh.

Open mouth, insert 10,000 feet

2011-03-13T08:34:00.001-07:00

Japanese prime minister Naoto Kan, opened his mouth, and let spew the following:

"The current situation of the earthquake, tsunami and the nuclear plants is in a way the most severe crisis in the past 65 years since World War II..."

Dude. Are you fucking retarded? Do you really think it's all that great of an idea to remind the world of what you bestial little fuckers did to half the Goddamn world from 1937 to 1945?

Are you not familiar with the word, "atrocity?"

Not the best of analogies, asshole.

1) It ain't your Goddamn fault that the earth rose up and smote your asses.

2) Yes, we get it.

3) Tell us where to send the blankets, food and money.

4) We get it.

5) The fuck were you thinking, bringing up World War II???

6) Asshole.

7) Start over.

8) Just tell us where to send the blankets.

9) Asshole.

Let's not talk about World War II right now.

It's just not a good idea.

I thought everyone sleeps nekkid?

2011-03-12T08:00:00.001-08:00

Bradley Manning has to sleep nekkid!

Oh Christ - it's abuse! It's torture!

I know it must be, because Danny Ellsberg, writing in the UK Guardian says so:

THIS SHAMEFUL ABUSE OF BRADLEY MANNING

"Bradley Manning has been forced to sleep naked in his cell, according to his lawyers..."

Lord God Almighty - forcing someone to sleep NUDE! What will those sick bastards think of next???

Now, I guess it does make a little sense though, when you consider the fact that Manning is a strong candidate for suicide, and that he did make a comment about possibly using his undiewears to strangles himself... and...

And, wait a minute - I sleep nekkid, too! I thought I did so because I don't like getting my nuts caught up in clothing while I sleep... but could it be that I'm actually torturing myself? Am I a subconscious sado-masochist?

Nah.

Look. Here's the deal:

Manning is charged with releasing classified material and "aiding the enemy," and if it's proven that he did indeed aid the enemy... well, that's a problem, dude. That's death penalty serious.

Yikes.

I'm glad the docs are out there, and I do appreciate Manning's sacrifice in distributing them... but I also understand, (as does Manning,) that one should not "DO THE CRIME IF ONE IS UNWILLING TO DO THE TIME." Simple. Easy. No way around that.

It's like... let's see...

Okay, it's like abortion. Abortion is murder, plain and simple, but...

But, I like abortion. I like the results it achieves, and I want more, and more, and more abortions to take place. Abortion is good... even though it's murder.

Abortion is sacrifice; By vacuuming a fetus out of your womb, you're sacrificing your soul, (if you believe in that life-after-death hoo-ha,) for the sake of the world, but more importantly, for the sake of your own future. You're murdering a life, so that your own life doesn't have to be wasted in providing for a screaming fucking baby as it grows, and eats, and wants you to buy it expensive clothing and cell phones.

I totally get it - and I'm with you 100%.

In fact - imagine how wonderful the world would be, if all pregnancies for the next twenty years were aborted! That'd create a nice little break in the constant assault on the resources of the world that occurs as a result of all those screaming fucking babies being shot of pussies every second of every Goddamn day, all across the whole Goddamn motherfucking world.

Imagine!

Oh. Shit. Where was I?

Ah, Manning. Right.

So anyway. Sleep tight, Bradley. Pull the covers up, and in no time at all, you'll wonder how the hell you ever slept with clothes on. And...

And, let's please not get carried away with claims of "torture" just because your jailers took away your Fruity-Looms.

Listen: Trust me - you'll get used to it, and you will like it.

Your nuts will thank you.

Now... Why would we ever be suspicious of Muslims?

2011-03-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

I watched some of the King hearing on Radicalization of American Muslims.

In doing so, I also watched Senator Keith Ellison break down in tears over (what to him,) is a sad, sad story of a Muslim paramedic who was looked at kinda sideways on 9-11. Senator Ellison is Muslim himself, and apparently it makes him sad whenever any of his dog-brain Muslim brothers are looked at kinda sideways.

Aw. Look how sad he is. Aw.

And it's not just Keith Ellison who's sad - it's dog-brain Muslims all over the whole world who are sad; they're sad because they see these hearings as painting them in a negative light.

Here's another dog-brain Muslim who's sad:

Aw. He's sad, too. Aw.

And there's this dude named Peter King who's running the hearing. He is The Devil, (according to NPR and Jon Stewart, anyway.)

Senator King is the devil, (I'm told,) and he's a McCarthyist, an Alarmist, a Reactionaryist, a Counter-Revolutionist, and a Chicken Littleist, (I'm told,) because he's dared to take a look around America's living room, and because he has the Goddamn motherfucking gall to recognize that there is a 10,000 fucking pound elephant sitting there with us.

Look: Do you see the elephant? It's right there. It's eating your potato chips.

It looks like this:

And that's the deal, Ellison. All of it. In a nutshell.

You are Muslim, Ellison, and therefore I don't trust you. In fact, I can't trust you. Ever. Because...

Because, you are Muslim, and because Muslims blow shit up; and, because Muslims who don't blow shit up, support financially and sympathetically, Muslims who do blow shit up.

You also treat your womenfolk worse than goat shit, and... (I wasn't going to bring this up, but since we're on the subject...) you fuckers reek.

So. You're guilty, Ellison. You and every single Goddamn Muslim sliming around this country. You are guilty by association.

Don't like it?

You can fix it. Easy:

1) Stop blowing shit up.

2) If you're not blowing shit up, then stop your bro's from blowing shit up.

3) Stop beating the shit out of your fucking wives.

4) Stop marrying children, (and goats.)

5) Become Americans, Ellison. Embrace America, (or get the fuck out.) Take the diapers off your heads and wrap them around baby's asses, where they belong. Take the garbage bags off your wives, and start using them for garbage.

Simple.

Easy.

Until then, though, we will never trust you. Never. Ever.

You have a perception problem, Ellison; We perceive you and your brothers, to be pieces of shit. You must work on your image, Ellison, if you ever want to be accepted as a human being. You and your brothers... you must start acting like human beings.

Got it?

Good.

Now fix it, or...

Or, don't.

It's entirely up to you.

Allahu Gitarr

2011-03-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

Frank 2 was donated to the Smithsonian last week.

And you know what?

Here's what: I would blow up ten fucking school buses full of children if it meant I'd get to play this guitar for five fucking minutes.

There is no God but Eddie, and Eddie is his name.

Eddihu Akbar, motherfucker.

The fuck is wrong with you "yacht" people?

2011-02-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

Are you a "yacht" person?

You are? Oh, good. Then...

Then, maybe you can answer the following question:

Are you people fucking retarded?

COPENHAGEN, Denmark — A Danish couple on a round-the-world journey with their three children knew they were sailing in the world's most pirate-infested waters off East Africa. But they seemed to be brimming with confidence.

Well, shit. Confidence. That'll help when your wife and kids are getting buttraped in front of you...

On a blog on which they chronicled their voyage, they reported that they had drawn up a "pirate plan" in case of attack.

Oh goody. A "pirate plan."

SECRET DANISH PIRATE PLAN

1) BREAK OUT SECRET PIRATE KIT

2) APPLY CONTENTS OF KIT TO FACE
3) GREET PIRATES IN THEIR NATIVE LANGUAGE

Good luck assholes - you're gonna need it. That, and something else. Hope you remembered to stow it away in your "pirate kit."

Lick My Hairy Uneasies

2011-02-28T08:45:00.001-08:00

This is pretty funny:

WHITE MALE SCHOLARSHIP FUND MAKES PEOPLE UNEASY

"...A newly formed non profit organization, the Former Majority Association for Equality, is raising concerns of racism as they seek to provide college scholarships and financial assistance exclusively to white males..."

Now, I know that didn't sound all that funny - especially the little deal about "raising concerns of racism." That ain't funny at all - in fact, it's a motherfucking outrage that any Goddamn asshole could possibly see a "whites-only" scholarship as any fucking different, (or somehow more offensive,) than the longstanding existence of FUCKLOADS of scholarships that specifically EXCLUDE white males.

Some tiny-ass non-profit wants to fund exclusively, the higher education of Texas white males, and that makes "PEOPLE UNEASY"? Who's uneasy? What people? I'm not uneasy over this - are you? Am I to be considered racist for not feeling "uneasy" over this?

[DISCLAIMER: I am, in fact, racist; but that particular condition was caused entirely by my many years working in the field of subsidized housing, and is therefore not related in the slightest to the current subject.]

So...

So anyway, where's the funny part?

Well, shit. It's right here:

"...scholarships have only been awarded to a handful of students in denominations of $500..."

Now, that's funny! A $500 "scholarship." You could maybe buy three books with that "scholarship," or perhaps a month of gas money?

"Scholarship." My left nut...

You're "uneasy?" Over three or four big-hat Texans getting a check for $500 to help them with their schooling? But...

But, you're NOT "uneasy" over California's recent ruling that prohibits State universities from charging higher, out-of-state tuition fee to motherfucking illegal aliens???

Fuckin' think about that for a minute: American citizens who reside in say, Nevada or Oregon, but want to attend college in California are charged MORE than illegal Goddamn aliens - to attend university in THEIR OWN GODDAMNED COUNTRY!???

...and you're "uneasy" over this?

I got your "uneasy" swingin' right here between my legs. My left hairy "uneasy," and my right hairy "uneasy."

Lick 'em.

Share The Wealth

2011-02-26T08:44:00.001-08:00

Not a bad idea...

Share the wealth.

...if only there was a little wealth to share.

Oh well.

A little wealth would be nice right about now. If I had some wealth, I'd get me a shitty boat. I like shitty boats.

Oh well.

Maybe next year I'll be able to get me a shitty boat? Or the year after. Maybe.

Oh well.

But...

But wait - what the hell is this? Could it be I'm mistaken? Have I miscounted the wealth? My liberal-leftie pals say this: They say, "fuck yeah, man - there's plenty of wealth. You just need to know where it's hiding."

Huh. Like...

Like, an Easter egg hunt?

My naked hippie friends tell me this: They say there's so much wealth in this ol' country, that...

1) It's no fucking problem to continue paying full disability benefits to all those tragically injured Carpal Tunnel/Chronic Fatigue "sufferers" we see fucking off at the beach all day, and that...

2) It's everyone's basic right as an American citizen to receive weekly welfare payment, housing subsidy and medical coverage, in an amount determined by the total number of babies you've shot out your pussy, (damn - gir'fren! I gon make me a fucklode dem babies an shit! Shit yeah, biatch!) and...

3) It's everyone's basic right as a citizen of Mexico to receive housing and higher education subsidies, medical coverage, legal advice, food stamps, and...

4) The most beautiful and sensitive of all our share-the-wealth philosophies: Every single Mexican you squeeze out your cunt while squatting in the dust with one foot across the border... Well, Goddamn, senorita - that ain't no Mexican - it's a 'merican! Fuckin' magic! It instantly qualifies as an American citizen, and is therefore "entitled" to all the shit listed above, (see #2.)

Goddamn, we must have a shitload of wealth! We must... because the hippies tell me we also:

5) ...never have to worry about the crazy-ass, exorbitant pensions we pay to 45 year-old "retired" cops and firefighters, and they tell me that...

6) DMV employees are such hard fucking workers, they deserve to live like kings and queens into their nether years, while the rest of us lazy, "private sector" fucks deserve to "live" in cardboard boxes on the street, spooning Alpo into our toothless mouths. (I mean, shit - it's only fair - right? We should have worked harder during our careers - like they do at the DMV.)

Fuck - that's a lot of wealth we have.

You'd think we'd go bankrupt paying for all that shit, and there actually are many States right now hovering on the brink... but there's an easy solution, (my left-wing friends tell me.)

It has a name. The solution. It's called...

It's called, "redistribution." It works like this:

You take all the Bill Gates types, (Steve Jobs, they'll leave alone, 'cause they think he's Jesus, but never mind that...) Where was I? Oh. You take all the Bill Gates type dudes, and you take their money away. And then you "redistribute" it.

To everyone.

I'd get some, you'd get some, and all the fat, black Oakland welfare queens would get some, and all the Mexican baby-squirters would get some, and all the Saudi/Paki/Egyptian "students" wiring up bombs in their university dorm rooms would get some, and all the retired cops, and all the retired clerks, and all the retired "lady-whose-city-job-was-to-apply-for-federal-grants-to-build-housing-for-fat-black-welfare-queens" would get some, and...

Everybody. We'd all get some. There'd be plenty to go around, because...

Because my naked-hippie friends, they say this: They say that the top 1% of American money earners... um... have all the money. So we should, um... take it from them.

See how simple that is?

Simple.

Easy.

Never fucking mind that if you really did take all the rich fuckers' money and spread it across the land, we'd all receive a check for $0.000006 cents.

Never you mind any of that. That's too complicated for the hippies to understand, so they, um... they ignore it.

Me too. Fuckit! Why the fuck should I complain, when I'm about to receive a share-the-wealth check in the amount of $0.000006 cents!?

Man oh man! I can't wait to get my check! It hasn't even been cut yet, but it's already burning a hole in my pocket. Fuck - the things I could do with $0.000006 cents!

I wonder...

I wonder if there are any shitty boats on craigslist for $0.000006 cents?

Libya: You go intervene, asshole

2011-02-22T20:05:00.000-08:00

Look at this STUPID fucking headline:

(Reuters) - PRESSURE MOUNTS ON WHITE HOUSE TO INTERVENE IN LIBYA

Huh.

I must be stupid. I always thought Europe was a lot fucking closer to Libya than the USA is?

Let's see... howz about a quick geography quiz:

Q: Which of the following nations is farthest away from Libya?

a] France
b] Italy
c] Germany
d] USA

Answer: (If you don't know, you don't belong here.)

I'm left to wonder: Exactly where/who is this "pressure" mounting from? Is it the Brits who would like us to intervene? The French? The Germans? The fucking Lithuanians? The filthy Spaniards?

The article didn't say.

So.

So, whoever it is who's asking, here's your answer in three words:

Bullshit. Fuck you.

You want intervention in Libya? Go do it yourself, dickhead. Or maybe ask Angelina Jolie, or Sean Penn, or Bono - or any of the other bleeding heart Hollywood types who are rich and stupid enough to believe in the "humanity" of the Libyan "people."

Wait. Angie's cute, and I like to hear the Bono sing every once in a while, so let's just send Sean Penn to "intervene." After the Libyan "people" immediately set upon Penn and buttrape him to death, maybe we could all then come together and agree that "intervening" in the matters of middle-eastern dog-brain Muslims is a...

really

stupid

idea.

Just ask the Euros, (whom no one seems to be "pressuring to intervene,") if you don't believe me.

Wait. Got to add a disclaimer for Penn: Intervening in the matters of middle-eastern dog-brain Muslims is a really stupid idea, unless...

Unless of course, you don't mind being buttraped to death for a good cause...

People who need to be bitch-slapped

2011-02-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

There are certain people in this world who just need to be fucking killed. But...

But, since calling for a person's assassination on the ol' internet is about the quickest way to find oneself in handcuffs, I'll just ask in lieu, that the following people be bitch-slapped.

All of these people - they are bitches. So...

So, if you happen to see any of these people walking down your street...

You should slap them. Bitchily.

#10 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Crimes: dude kissing, chicken raping, smelling like ass

#9 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Bush/Cheney Entity (counts as one person)
Crimes: destruction of world economy, murder of American GI's, chicken raping, (remainder of crimes too numerous to list)

#8 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Elton John
Crimes: Being gross

#7 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Pregnant-woman-that-thinks-it's-a-pregnant-man-thing
Crimes: (see Elton John)

#6 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: "Lady?" Gaga
Crimes: (see Elton John)

#5 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Oprah
Crimes: eats babies, won't go away, (see Elton John)

#4 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Catholicism
Crimes: do I really have to explain? (see Elton John)

#3 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Islam
Crimes: chicken raping, goat raping, dog raping, cat raping, child raping, blowing shit up, marrying prepubescent nieces, (list amended for space)

#2 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: Mexico
Crimes: (see Catholicism)

Uh-oh - I think it's time for number one!

Drumroll please, and

Cymbal crash! and

Tadah!

#1 Person in the World who needs to be bitch-slapped:
Name: "Lady?" Gaga
Crimes: (see Elton John)

Don't like seeing dead kids? Support Forced Sterilization

2011-02-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

Look at this:

JUDGE HAMMERS SOCIAL WORKERS IN FL CASE

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (AP) - An angry judge grilled child welfare workers over why they missed opportunities to intervene just days before authorities found a 10-year-old boy doused with chemicals and his twin sister's decomposing body in their father's truck along a Florida highway.

Hey Judge: FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.

You ever work in Child Protective Services, Judgie? You ever volunteer to take in any of them FUCKED-UP, WILD, FERAL, NEVER-GONNA-MAKE-IT-PAST-18-WITHOUT-BEING-DEAD-OR-IN-PRISON foster fucking kids, eh Judgie?

No, I didn't think so. They don't allow FUCKED-UP, WILD, FERAL, NEVER-GONNA-MAKE-IT-PAST-18-WITHOUT-BEING-DEAD-OR-IN-PRISON kids in your gated community anyway, ain't that right, Judgie? I mean... what would the neighbors think?

You sanctimonious fuck.

How fucking dare you blame this dead kid and her (damn near dead) brother on Goddamned social workers? Social workers are fucking overworked, underpaid, Goddamned clueless fucking idiots, Judgie - but you damn well know that better than anyone, don't you?

They're overworked because there are so fucking many FUCKED-UP, WILD, FERAL, NEVER-GONNA-MAKE-IT-PAST-18-WITHOUT-BEING-DEAD-OR-IN-PRISON foster kids running around our Goddamn nation, and they're underpaid because we can get away with it, and they're Goddamned clueless fucking idiots, Judgie, because who the fuck else - besides a Goddamned clueless fucking idiot would ever take that thankless fucking nightmare of a job?

You, Judgie? No?

I didn't think so.

Look, fuckwad: As long as our society continues to endow any and all motherfucking crackhead/alky/other-type-pieces-of-shit-junkie-sub-human-sidewalk-sitters with that Most Basic of Basic American Rights, you know, Judgie - the right of reproduction...

...Well, then Judgie, if every dumb fuck with a dick or a pussy is endowed with "the right" to indiscriminately spray offspring - without first proving themselves capable of fucking caring for it; then we will simply continue to wake up every fucking morning, Judgie, and we will continue to read about dead fucking children somewhere in this shithole of a nation. Dead children, Judgie, who "the system" failed.

The system, my Goddamn ass. The "system" does not work, Judgie, and please, PLEASE Judgie, don't you even fucking dare to pretend you don't know that.

You want a system? Here: Here's your fucking system:

1) Forced abortions for all crackhead pieces of shit carrying (another,) unwanted fucking fetus. Tie 'em down, vacuum that shit out, and then tie their fucking tubes shut, (or sew 'em up, your choice.)

2) Forced DNA testing for every Goddamned pants-half-off-his-ass boogaloo shufflin' round Oakland/Deeetroit, (every Camaro-on-blocks-trailer-trash-redneck-meth-head,) and forced fucking vasectomies for every one of the motherfuckers who matches up to any FUCKED-UP, WILD, FERAL, NEVER-GONNA-MAKE-IT-PAST-18-WITHOUT-BEING-DEAD-OR-IN-PRISON foster fucking child.

3) In ten years, you will see an 80% drop in morning fucking news stories about dead Goddamned children.

4) Guaranteed

5) Simple.

6) Easy.

In the meantime, Judge, you cocksucker, shut the fuck up about child welfare workers.

You have no Goddamned fucking idea what their lives are like; what kind of hell they see every single Goddamned day.

Shut the fuck up. Watch the news with the rest of us, and shake your fucking head.

Just shut up, asshole.

Western slut! Allah says we must rape you! And beat you!

2011-02-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

A senior CBS correspondent is recovering in hospital in the US after she was beaten and sexually assaulted by a mob while covering the Egyptian protests, the US network says.

In a statement, CBS said that Ms ____ and her team had become "surrounded by a dangerous element amidst the celebration with a mob of more than 200 people whipped into a frenzy..."

It said Ms ____ was recovering following what it described as "a brutal and sustained sexual assault and beating."

Kindly note: This did not occur when the "bad" Muslims were riding camels through the crowd, nor while Hosni Mubarak was still Head Negro In Charge... but it happened Friday night, during the "celebration" of "freedom" and "democracy."

Newslady: What the fuck were you thinking? Did you think this revolt was about your right as a human female to wander about in the midst of dog-brained practitioners of Islam? Did you not think for one fucking second about HOW FUCKING HATED you are by the Muslim males of Egypt, and how you are seen as a BAD FUCKING INFLUENCE on their own women? (not to mention the other things they like to own and fuck, including goats, camels and young boys...)

Did you not remember, Newslady, what happened to that dipshit naked hippie up in Alaska who thought he could "live" with a bunch of fucking grizzly bears?

"...The very last footage that shows Treadwell alive also shows a bear behind him..."

Do you need an Egyptian hieroglyph in order to understand?

Look. All of you: Can we please not forget that the newly "liberated people" of Egypt are NOT now, and will NEVER be, our Goddamned, fucking friends?

They are Muslim. They are fucking dog brains. They want us annihilated.

You should not forget that.

Ever.

...between three and fifteen years...

2011-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

[UPDATE, 2-14/11] INDONESIA: I HEREBY OFFICIALLY APOLOGIZE. HOLY FUCK, DO I EVER APOLOGIZE. SEE ATTACHED ARTICLE AT BOTTOM OF PAGE. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I AM SO EMBARRASSED TO BE AN AMERICAN TONIGHT.

Look at this dog-brain asshole:

His name is... oh, who fucking cares what his name is? Call him Fido, or Rex, or Rusty. Whatever his "real" name is, he's just another dog-brain-blow-em-up Muslim, first and foremost. So...

So, fuck whatever his "real" name is. Fido works for me.

Now. Look at this:

"...however, it is the charge of supplying funds for terrorism, which carries a jail term of between three and fifteen years, for which it appears the prosecution has the strongest evidence..."

Between three and fifteen fucking years. That's all you get in motherfucking shit-stain Indonesia for the lovely little crime of "supplying funds for terrorism."

To be fair, of course, (and according to Fido's dog-brain logic,) he didn't actually do anything wrong, for in his own woof-woof-woof of a "language," he said the following: "I did nothing. I was only defending Islam."

Well, fuck me up the ass with a bus.

Between three and fifteen years??? For buying explosives and weapons to be used in the slaughter of innocent men, women and children?

Motherfuckers. Motherfucking dog-brain Indonesian motherfuckers.

Indonesia is a strong ally of the United States. It is also home to the largest shit tank of Muslims that exists anywhere on this planet.

Go figure.

Between three and fifteen years.

Fuck me.

With a bus.

Is this shit ever going to get better? Will I see before I die, any Goddamned fucking response to the billions of jihadi dog-brain animals attempting to destroy all of us who would refuse to embrace their evil "religion" of Woof?

I doubt it.

Fuck.

[UPDATE CONTINUED:]

(02-14) 18:50 PST New York, NY (AP) --

An al-Qaida operative who helped set up the camp where the 2005 London suicide bombers were trained has been sentenced to 10 years of probation after serving less than five years in prison.

Mohammed Junaid Babar, 35, confessed in 2004 to setting up the camp in South Waziristan, Pakistan, and equipping it with explosives, night vision goggles and camping gear. He told a federal judge in New York that he knew some of the militants were planning a bomb attack in Britain.

A year after his confession, four men who were trained at the camp detonated backpack bombs in the London subway, killing themselves and 52 victims. After the bombings, Babar testified for the government in four trials targeting al-Qaida militants, three of the trials in Britain and one in Canada. At least 10 people were convicted because of his testimony, the U.S. government says.

Babar pleaded guilty to five terrorism charges and faced a possible 70 years in prison, but court documents show that on Dec. 10 he was sentenced to time served and 10 years of probation as a reward for his cooperation. In all, he spent only four years and eight months behind bars, the U.S. Attorney's Office said.

His sentence, which was originally reported on Monday by the Guardian newspaper, prompted a fierce reaction in Britain. A lawyer representing victims' families and survivors of the London bombings called the move "crazy."

"There is no way a reduction of this size has any regard to the feelings of victims," Clifford Tibber said Monday.

Graham Foulkes, whose 22-year-old son David was killed by one of the blasts that hit London's transport network, said Babar's cooperation with U.S. authorities does not diminish his role in the attacks.

"To be responsible for the deaths of 52 people, serve four-and-a-half years and be released and to say that means he has paid his debt to society just beggars belief," Foulkes told the U.K.'s Guardian newspaper.

Babar's defense lawyer did not immediately return a telephone call seeking comment.

Babar, a U.S. citizen, was arrested in 2004 on five charges of supporting al-Qaida. In a court appearance in June 2004, he told federal judge Victor Marrero that he helped set up the base in the summer of 2003 to train Taliban militants who were fighting U.S. troops in Afghanistan.

He said he delivered night vision goggles, sleeping bags, waterproof socks, rain ponchos and money to a "high ranking official" of al-Qaida who was running the camp. He also arranged shipments of aluminum nitrate, ammonium nitrate and aluminum powder for making bombs that were tested at the camp.

"I was aware that some of the people who attended the jihad training camp had ideas about, you know, plotting against some targets in the United Kingdom, and I provided some of the materials," Babar told the judge.

During testimony he gave in the Canadian and British trials, Babar said he became radicalized by the U.S. invasion of Afghanistan in 2001. He quit his job as a computer programmer in New York and moved to Lahore, Pakistan. There he participated in two failed plots to kill then-President Pervez Musharraf and became familiar with other Al-Qaida recruits from abroad.

As part of his Dec. 10 sentencing, the judge ordered Babar to pay a $500 fine. Prosecutors agreed to enroll him in the U.S. government's witness protection program and give new identities to him and his family. Babar's plea agreement with the government bars him from striking any book deals or giving interviews to news media.

Under the terms of his release Babar must meet monthly with a probation officer and cannot travel without the government's permission. After five years he can apply to have the remaining five years of probation lifted, court documents show.

On Monday the U.S. Attorney's office originally said Babar had been jailed for five years. It later issued a correction, saying he only spent 56 months behind bars.

But you need to embrace the symbolism!

2011-02-10T09:56:00.000-08:00

I was reading the news this morning, and I came across this:

CHESTERTOWN, MD. - Corey Olsen had a lot to say about J.R.R. Tolkien. But it seemed a pity to consign his thoughts to a scholarly journal, to be read by a few hundred fellow academics who already knew more than enough about the author of "The Lord of the Rings."

So in spring 2007, the Washington College professor took his scholarship public, with a podcast called "How to Read Tolkien and Why" and a Web site called The Tolkien Professor, (which you can access by clicking the title above.)

A million downloads later, Olsen is one of the most popular medievalists in America. His unusual path to success - a smartly branded Web site and a legion of iTunes listeners - marks an alternative to the publish-or-perish tradition of scholarship on the tenure track.

And that sort of pissed me off.

Sort of.

I didn't go download any of the perfesser's lectures, and I didn't look at his website except to copy down the url, (so that you can go look at it, not me, Goddamnit,) because...

Because, I don't need some asshole to tell me "why" I should read The Lord Of The Rings, and I for Goddamned sure don't need any asshole to tell me "how" to read Mssr. Tolkien's lovely fucking fairy tales. Goddamnit - who the fuck does this prick think he his - gonna tell me "how" I should read some particular fucking book?

But now. Shit. Goddamnit. I'm curious.

Goddamnit.

So...

So, I wonder: Does he want me to read The Fellowship while standing on my head in a tub full of lime Jello? Is that what he means by "how" I should read it?

Am I supposed to read The Two Towers in forty second intervals, doing twenty jumping jacks between each forty second segment?

Return Of The King while kicking a small dog in scuba gear?

Fuck. I need to know what he means when he says "how to read" these books. Shit. All right, I'll go look at his website. Here's a tune to whistle until I come back:

Okay. I'm back.

Jesus fuck. First, there's this:

I have become increasingly frustrated with the separation between academics and general readers,

Nice. First fucking sentence, and he's already pissed me off. Fuck anyone who believes there's a distinction between "general readers" and "academics." Do academics see more words on each page? Is Mr. Academic's visualization of Gollum any more "correct" than mine?

Asshole.

Anyway, let's see what else he has to say...

...and I am determined to come out of the cloister and spend my own career sharing my scholarly work with the public.

He said "cloister." I wouldn't go fishing or drink beer with any asshole who uses the word, "cloister."

What else?

I founded this website because I wanted to connect with other people who are eager to be included in a thoughtful literary conversation about the works of J.R.R. Tolkien. Since I launched this site in July 2009, listeners have downloaded more than 1,000,000 of my lectures.

I think he meant to say. "1,000,000 [copies] of my lectures," but what the hell - who am I to criticize - I'm just a lowly general reader. Just a lowly general reader who understands perfectly that Tolkien didn't write his fucking books for jackass academics to have "thoughtful literary conversations" about - he wrote them for people to FUCKING READ.

What the fuck is a thoughtful literary conversation, anyway?

"I say, Stephen, but don't you find the vivid symbolism regarding Gimli's and Legolas's erm, friendship, as... well, as rather voraciously anti - and yet at the same time, erm... pro, homoeroticism? Oh! Tee hee, Stephen! Tee hee! I just knew you'd also gleaned that tiny tidbit of hidden scholarship! Tee hee!"

Well, okay. That's not really from dude's website, but I don't want to read the conversations taking place there.

I really don't.

Oh...

Goddamnit.

Okay, gimme a minute, I'll be right back.

Oh Jesus.

"To some extent, yes. There is, of course, also the general diminishment and falling from the heights of yesteryear that permeates all of Tolkien's work about Arda. In the beginning the Valar, with the help of the Maiar, appears to have created or shaped Arda out of the raw matter of Eä, but once the Elves arrive at the scene, the creation of the Sun and the Moon from the last fruits of the Two Trees seem to be huge deeds, and the hiding of Valinor (raising the mountains of the Pelóri and the Enchanted Isles) is the last large-scale re-shaping of the Earth that is undertaken by the Valar. It it true that it is said that this is also because of their fears of what might happen if they were to fight Morgoth because ‘so grievous had been the hurts of Middle-earth in the war upon Utumno that the Valar feared lest even worse should now befall’, and we do indeed see that most of Beleriand was subsequently lost in the War of Wrath, but that, too, was much less than what had happened when the armies of Valinor assailed Utumno..."

I am so sorry I just wasted ten minutes out of my life looking at that discussion board. And that shit above wasn't even a fucking tenth of it - it goes on, and on, and on, and...

Oh my fucking God.

You asshole!

READ the fucking books. And then have the following "thoughtful literary conversation" with your friend:

"I sure do love those books."

"What books?"

"The Lord Of The Rings."

"Oh. Yeah, they're great. I like 'em too."

"That Gollum - he's really something, eh!?"

"Yup. He's a pisser, all right."

"And Gimli and Legolas - hey, do you think those two are queer?"

"I don't know. I have to go comb my hair. See you around."

"Okay. See you later."

Fucking asshole. Go have a thoughtful literary conversation with my left nut.

Fucking geek asshole.

"...and then he put his thingy in my whoopsy..."

2011-02-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

New York Daily News: Bristol Palin is penning her memoirs, according to a listing on Amazon.com.

No shit. I didn't make it up. I swear.

The epic story of the 20 year-old Wasilla Dipshit, will soon be available for purchase. And knowing the state of American 'intelligence,' it will probably sell a million fucking copies.

But. For the three or four of you out there who aren't quite retarded enough to buy little Bristol's book, I have great news: PressToTest has obtained a notated copy of the galley proof, and hereby present the following excerpt as a gift to our readers:

Chapter 2
Levi

I met Levi when I was still young. Like two or three years ago. One night, in his pickup, he asked me, "Do you want to have sex?"

So I answered as best I could. I said, "What's that?"

He said, "It's when a boy puts his thingy in a girl's whoopsy."

"Okay," I said. And so he did.

Chapter 3
Pregnant

I had no idea babies come from when boys put their thingies in girls' whoopsies. My mom never told me about any of that, 'cause she was too busy bein' the governor, and because (as I found out later,) the people who allowed her to become governor, didn't want her, or even anyone at my school, teachin' us kids about what happens when a boy puts his thingy in a girl's whoopsy.

I was pretty darn mad, at first anyway. But later, when I was older, (like a few months ago,) some wrinkly old men called me up and asked if I would take a job bein' their official spokesperson for something called, "abstinence." I thought maybe abstinence was a new soft drink, or like, a diet pill, so I called Levi, and he told me abstinence means "rubber." A rubber is this thing boys wear on their thingy - like a sock - so girls can't get pregnant. [EDITOR NOTE: DELETE PARAGRAPH]

Wow! If only I'd known about Abstinence before I met Levi! I would have told him, "no way, Levi - you're not putting your thingy in me unless you put an abstinence on it first!" EDITOR NOTE: DELETE PARAGRAPH. EDITOR NOTE: SOMEONE TELL BRISTOL TO STOP TALKING TO LEVI.

So now that I know what abstinence means, I've been letting all the boys I meet put their thingies in my whoopsy - and I haven't gotten pregnant even once! I do have this itch down there, though, and sometimes a little pus oozes out. I'll have to call Levi and see what that means. [EDITOR NOTE: DELETE DELETE DELETE - WHO THE FUCK SIGNED THIS FUCKING BOOK DEAL YOU FUCKING IDIOTS?]

Chapter 4
Venereal Disease

[EDITOR NOTE: DE-FUCKING-LETE. THERE IS NO BOOK LEFT TO EDIT, GODDAMNIT. YOU STUPID ASSHOLES - EDIT IT YOURSELVES. I'M OUTTA HERE - I FUCKING QUIT.]

The Shit List

2011-02-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

Forbes Magazine just released their annual list of the Nation's Most Miserable Cities.

Go Stockton, Yay! Number one, two years in a row!

Let's see... Where's Fresno? Oh - got it. Number seventeen. I knew that toxic fucking dust hole had to be in the top Goddamned twenty.

They should do away with the list, and just put out the following statement every year:

All cities and towns located on California Highway 99 are Fucking Miserable. Avoid them, if, and whenever possible.

God, I fucking hate the Central Valley.

"All the situation there in Egypt"

2011-02-06T08:10:00.001-08:00

That's a quote.

I swear to fucking God, it's a direct quote. I didn't make it up, I didn't doctor it, I didn't massage it, or even slightly fuck with it in any fashion at all. Not whatsoever. I swear.

I did shorten it a bit so it would fit in the title space, but trust me - when you see the whole thing, um... it only gets worse!

Because...

Because, here ya go. The whole thing:

"Nobody yet has explained to the American people what they know, and surely they know more than the rest of us know, who it is who will be taking the place of Mubarak and I'm not real enthused about what it is that, that's being done on a national level and from D.C. in regards to understanding all the situation there in Egypt."
Sarah Fucking Palin, 2/5/2011.

God fuck me blind - some of you assholes would VOTE for that Goddamn village idiot? For FUCKING PRESIDENT???

Are you out of your motherfucking minds? Are you FUCKING RETARDED???

"...all the situation there in Egypt..."

Well, y'know, we just oughta march right in theer and tell those 80 million peeple what to do, gosh darnit. It's like when Tahd bought thet darn truck layst year, the one with the big deezil mootor. Thet darn truck never run right from day one, darnit, so I got holda Tahd by the ear, darnit, and I sed, 'now you listen, mister: Yer just gonna hev to teek thet truck beck to where you got it from - en don' you come beck to this trailer until all the situation there is cleaned up.' Thet's what I sed, all righty. You betcha.

An thet's what thet darn Obommy shud be doin' right now, darnit. Just teek them 80 million peeple by tha ear, see, and say, 'now listen: you do what I say, you 80 million peeple, or darnit - there's gonna be trubble in this trailer.'

You would vote for her?

Really?

No, seriously...

Um.

No shit?

You're not just trying to be funny?

You would make that FUCKING DIPSHIT your president?

God fucking save us.

From ourselves.

Please.

I mean it.

I really do.

Hey W: You have to be dead before people forget you're an asshole

2011-02-05T20:50:00.001-08:00

Ronnie Reagan was an idiot.

He was a stupid, ignorant - but charming - idiot.

Sound like someone else we know?

WASHINGTON — A planned trip by former President George W. Bush to Switzerland this week has been canceled in the face of threatened large-scale protests and calls for an investigation into whether his administration committed human rights abuses in the fight against terrorism.

Dubya: You fucking idiot - you think we've forgotten? Like we did with Reagan?

You have to be dead first, Dubya, before Americans forget you; Before we forget the real you, and invent a completely false history for you. Dead for at least... oh, about ten years - unless of course, you were assassinated in office; If that happens, we forget you, (who you really were,) immediately.

Like...

Like, let's say you were a whoremonger, but you were shot to death in Dallas. We'll forget the whores right now, my friend, and we'll remember you as the consummate "family man."

It's what we do. God fucking help us, but it's what we do. We invent shit about dead presidents.

Even Nixon is remembered as much today, for his "accomplishment" in flying to China (when the Chinese - not Nixon - decided to open dialogue,) than for his true "accomplishments." Shit - that fucking asshole has a library and everything else that goes with traditional dead ex-presidentism. The only monument that asshole truly deserves is maybe having a porta-shitter named after him. A porta-shitter under a Goddamn overpass.

But I digress...

Now. Dubya:

You have to remember, son: You ain't fuckin' dead. We still know you. We haven't forgotten you. You can't go around giving speeches for cash, and not expect to have shoes thrown at your head.

So.

So, you want to be rehabilitated? You want a new reputation?

It's simple.

Die.

Soon.

Please.

Thank you.

Oh... ps.

Take that asshole Cheney with you.

You've got mail

2011-01-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

BOOM!

TEXT MESSAGE BLOWS UP SUICIDE BOMBER BY ACCIDENT

MOSCOW A "Black Widow" suicide bomber planned a terrorist attack in central Moscow on New Year's Eve but was killed when an unexpected text message set off her bomb too early, according to Russian security sources.

Jesus fuck - TOO funny!

I wonder what the text said? I wonder who it was from?

Maybe it was from her dog-brain Imam:

"U R L8. ARE YOU ON WAY TO TARGET? ALLAHU BLOO LOO LOO"

Or... Maybe it was from her daughter:

"UNCL FAISAL SAY YOU TRADE ME TO HIM FOR GOAT. WTF?"

Or... wait. This gives me an idea:

What if we had IBM program an auto-dial computer so it would simultaneously text every single phone number in the entire middle east?

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

You gotta figure every fifth cell phone in Islamic "society" is hooked to a bomb - right?

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! There goes Abu Dhabi!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! There goes Tehran!

Man oh man - like firecrackers at Chinese new year!

"Hello - This is the United States calling - are we reaching?"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Islam and Democracy: Two Goddamned Peas in a Motherfucking Pod

2011-01-29T21:33:00.000-08:00

"Islam is compatible with democracy, it is pro the rotation of power, it is pro equal rights and duties for all citizens. Islam wants a moderate democratic state. You must listen to the people."

So says one Essam El Erian, a senior leader of some goat-fuck Egyptian political party, called the Muslim Brotherhood. And...

And, it appears highly likely that when the dust finally settles in that reeking, Islamic shithole called Egypt, it will indeed be the Muslim Brotherhood holding absolute power.

"Islam is compatible with democracy."

Um... Sure it is. Islam is about as compatible with democracy, as shit is compatible with food.

"What's for dinner, mom?"

"Steak and shit."

"Oh goody! Nothing goes together better than steak and shit... except for maybe Islam and democracy, of course."

Hey Egyptians: Been to any good stonings lately?

You stupid, dog-brain Muslims think Mubarak was bad? You think the Imams are going to allow democracy!?

Stupid.

Dog brain.

Muslims.

Oh, I almost forgot:

Don't blame the Great Satan USA when you wake the fuck up and realize you're worse off than you were.

Wait. Who the fuck am I kidding?

Allahu! Blah-lah-loo! Kill the infidel! God is great! Death to the USA!!!

I shoulda bought a Glock

2011-01-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

Some fag, (I assume he's a fag, because he espouses faggy ideas, but hey - no offense to the real fags,) named Marshall Kilduff, had this to say about Glock handguns in the SF Chronicle:

"...Enumerating the gun's virtues and popularity is like praising the AIDS virus for its longevity..."

And this:

"...The guns don't teach children, provide clean drinking water or help a senior across the street..."

And...

"...Glocks kill."

Kilduff: You fuckin' fag.

You're blaming the Goddamned BRAND of a firearm for murder? It's bad enough when you gun-hating pansies blame guns in general for the ills of our ill society, but to blame one specific fucking brand of 9mm handgun?

You fuckin' fag.

Wait. You STUPID, IGNORANT, SANCTIMONIOUS fuckin' fag.

What if nutboy drove a Chevy truck into that Tucson crowd instead of shooting people? Would you have complained that Chevy trucks "don't teach children, provide clean drinking water or help a senior across the street" - as opposed to, um... Ford trucks? (And yes, I know, Ford trucks don't serve any good purpose besides taking up space in the junk yards.)

You fuckin' fag.

This is a Glock 19, 9mm semiautomatic pistol (you fuckin' fag.)

And this, is a Browning Hi-Power, 9mm semiautomatic pistol (you fuckin' fag.)

Here's a Smith&Wesson, (fag.)

And this, you fuckin' fag, is my own personal method for dealing with any errant boogaloos who might decide they'd like to fuck with me or my people:

Ex-soviet bloc PA63 9mm, semiautomatic, and yes, I know, it's not a real good gun. I should have bought a Glock instead. Or maybe a Browning, but definitely not that Goddamned S&W with the faggy built-in "child-safety" thing that prevents it from firing in certain configurations. What the fuck kind of gun only fires if certain "parameters" are met? My PA63 doesn't pull any stupid shit like that - hell, it'll go off if you look at it sideways. But I digress...

Do you see much difference, Marshall, (you fuckin' fag,) between any of those guns?

No. You do not. The "Glockness" of Mssr. Nutboy Loughner's firearm had nothing, nothing, to do with the Tucson massacre, (you fuckin' fag.) Those people would be dead and wounded if Loughner had any other brand of gun, and they'd be dead and wounded if Loughner had drove his fucking truck into the crowd.

You fuckin' fag.

Don't write about guns, Marshall; You know next to nothing, and whenever the uninformed attempt to inform, well, that's a sure recipe for disaster. You make yourself look stupid, Marshall. Ignorant. Oh, almost forgot - you fuckin' fag.

If you don't like guns in general, then good for you. Write your annual guns-are-bad-and-they-scare-me-cause-I'm-a-fag piece, and be done with it.

Okay?

Very good.

Now shut up.

You fuckin' fag.

Another Dumb Headline

2011-01-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

AP: SECURITY TIGHT AT FUNERAL FOR SLAIN ARIZONA JUDGE

Um... Is it not just a little bit late in the game to ramp up security for the dude?

I wonder if they're afraid someone will shoot him?

Uncle Fester is locked up. Fuckin' relax, you idiots.

14th Amendment - The Sequel

2011-01-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

This seemed like a pretty good idea at the time:

"All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside."

Because, at the time...

At the time, (you know, 1868,) there was a whole lot of space here, that seemed as if it ought to be filled. With people. There was also that niggling little question of what-to-do-with-all-these-negros-now-that-they-free-an-shit.

Today though, that's no longer true. There's no fucking elbow room left in this place, and it's time to make some changes, in order to STOP this century-old practice of pregnant Mexican women stepping over the border to dump their anchor babies onto U.S. soil. Or...

Or, wait: Maybe we don't need to make any changes at all.

Read that amendment again: "All persons born... in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof..."

Huh.

Now... If you're a pregnant, illegal-alien, Mexican woman, are you subject to the jurisdiction of the United States? Is your anchor fetus subject to the jurisdiction of the U.S.?

Of course not. You're a citizen of Mexico. Therefore, the 14th amendment does not apply to you. Neither does it apply to the fetus you're carrying, nor the contents of your stomach, nor any turds in your colon.

Simple. Easy.

Wait. Just in case that simple logic doesn't work for you, there's the following:

"All persons born or naturalized in the United States... are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside."

Now. You're a citizen of Mexico - remember? You reside, therefore, in Mexico. You, your turds, your hair, your fetus - ALL of it, resides in Mexico. Standing on American dirt does not magically change your residency, nor that of any of those darling little things you're constantly shooting out your pussy.

You see, it's like this: I was in Tokyo not that long ago. There I was, standing on Japanese concrete, waiting for the Japanese traffic signal to tell me it's okay to cross the Japanese street. Me, and about ten-thousand Japs. When the light changed, we crossed the street. So...

So, did I suddenly become a legal resident of Japan, by standing on a Japanese sidewalk? Of course not. And...

And, when I got back to the hotel and dropped a big steamer in the toilet, was that big pile of shit suddenly to be recognized as a legal citizen of Japan?

Of course not. The Japanese have quite enough steaming piles of shit; they don't need, or even want mine.

Simple. Easy.

Read your Constitution. And then...

And then, apply it.

Simple. Easy.

There is no such animal as an "anchor baby." The concept is unconstitutional.

So says the 14th amendment.

Oh, and if you're wondering how this would affect all the black folks, whose right to citizenship is believed to fall under the auspice of the "born-here/citizen-here," "rule," you need only review the following words:

"...subject to the jurisdiction thereof..."

Put it to the test: Were slaves subject to the jurisdiction of the U.S.?

Of course they were. Do you not need a license to own a dog? Of course you do. And...

And, is your licensed dog not subject to the jurisdiction of the laws of the United States?

Of course it is.

So, don't worry, Revuhnd Sharpton, dis shit don's be's applies to you all. You's be good to go, son.

You see how simple it is? How easy it is?

You see?

You're welcome.

As usual.

Huck Finn without the N word?

2011-01-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

I couldn't have said this better, so I won't even try. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present my friend, Al. Guest blogger of the week:

I’m heading out and don’t have but a few minutes but ole Paul Boehner said today the two ‘merican parties, that be the donkeys and the elephants, have to work together. How many fucking times do we need to hear that before it actually happens??

BUT WORSE THAN THAT, some goddamned faggots have reprinted Mark Twain’s “Huck Finn” and taken the word nigger out of the book. I’m a product of the South and nigger really wasn’t a bad term until recently until all of the Goddamned PC shit started to take hold. I totally agree it may not be the best term to use but this has grown out of proportion.

[No shit. This is really happening. Click the the title above to link CBS News article. Then cry.]

As I am a stupid fucking honkey cracker redneck white boy from the South...

...and an extreme studier (is that a word) of the Civil War I believe that the word nigger came from the Spanish negro, and other languages of similar words, that morphed to nigger because we stupid fucking honkey cracker redneck motherfuckers were too stupid to speak correctly. Shit, now I may have offended my mother. Is honkey cracker redneck motherfucker not PC? Can I get some govment money for being the way I am?

Fuckit, I’m going to dinner.

And, thank you, Mr. Al.

PressToTest was able to obtain a small sample of the modification these fucking men with vaginas made to the genius of Samuel Clemens, (and may they burn forever in the fires of Hell for what they've done.)

Huck Finn, (as written by Twain):
"...Jim was monstrous proud about it, and he got so he wouldn't hardly notice the other niggers. Niggers would come miles to hear Jim tell about it, and he was more looked up to than any nigger in that country. Strange niggers would stand with their mouths open and look him all over, same as if he was a wonder..."

And, as "translated" by the men with vaginas:
"...Jim was EXCEEDINGLING proud about it, and he got so he wouldn't hardly notice the other NOBLE MEN OF AFRICAN DESCENT. NOBLE MEN OF AFRICAN DESCENT would come miles to hear Jim tell about it, and he was more looked up to than any NOBLE MAN OF AFRICAN DESCENT in that country. Strange NOBLE MEN OF AFRICAN DESCENT would stand with their mouths open and look him all over, same as if he was a wonder..."

Hold your vomit - the vagina-men aren't done yet.

Twain:
"...Pretty soon Jim says: "Say-who is you? Whar is you? Dog my cats ef I didn' hear sumf'n. Well, I knows what I's gwyne to do. I's gwyne to set down here and listen tell I hears it agin."

Men with vaginas:
"...After some time, Jim said: I say, old boy - of whom is your identity; and just where, now, might you be? A dog is a cat, I say, if I didn't in fact hear something just now! Well now, I believe I'll just sit in this lovely overstuffed armchair with my claret and cigar until possibly, I hear said strange noise again. Bully!"

Fuck me, and fuck you, and fuck all of us. Men with vaginas have taken over our motherfucking nation.

We are so fucked.

Fucked.

By men with vaginas.

2011 Stupid Headline of The Year Award

2011-01-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know 2011 is only half a day old, but it's official: The PressToTest Stupid Headline of The Year Award was won this morning by Fox News:

OBAMA FACES LOOMING CRISIS IN WEST AFRICA AS LEADER SHIRKS ELECTION RESULTS

Ex-fucking-scuse me???

This is "Obama's" crisis? This is America's crisis? Wait. This is a "crisis" at all?

Ivory Coast: Some 9th world, mud hut, dirt floor shithole of a "country" can't get their supremely corrupt ex-presidente to exit the big hut on the hill, (so that the next supremely corrupt monkey can take over,) and...

And, that's somehow my president's fucking problem? That's my fucking nation's problem?

I don't think so.

What would happen if we just ignored Ivory Coast, and left those monkeys to sort out their own Goddamn problems?

Nothing.

Would they launch nukes at us? They don't have any nukes.

Would they send squads of suicide bombers against our airliners? They don't have enough money to buy tickets.

What, exactly, would the consequences be, were we to simply ignore the "looming crisis" brewing in Ivory Fucking Coast?

Well now, I'm glad you asked. Here's what would happen:

The current corrupt monkey with too many consonants in his name would simply not be replaced, by some other corrupt monkey with too many consonants in his name.

"Looming crisis," my left nut.

We have enough fucking crises, (real Goddamn crises,) of our own to play with, Goddamnit, and Ivory Coast ain't on the fucking list, you assholes. You want help with your monkey problem? Ask the French for help, or the Brits, or maybe...

Maybe, for fuck's sake, you could take care of your own fucking shithole nation your OWN GODDAMN SELVES. And then maybe...

Maybe, if you dumb bastards started paying attention to your own shithole instead of spending your days slopping up UN rice and fucking out more mouths to eat it...

Maybe your shithole might become somewhat less of a GODDAMN SHITHOLE.

Maybe.

Of course though, I imagine the monkeys of Ivory Coast will not deal with their own fucking problems, and I'm guessing our own fucktard of a president will indeed, consider this little nothing a true "international crisis," and deal with it as he's dealt with every other "crisis" to cross his fucking desk:

Fuck.

Let 'em fight it out, Goddamnit, and DON'T SEND 'EM ANY MORE GODDAMN MONEY. The monkey with the biggest spear wins.

Simple.

Easy.

Fuck.

RIP, you little fighter, you

2010-12-31T08:56:00.000-08:00

That stupid model who made that stupid ad about the stupid "ills" of anorexia...

...is dead.

Dead, from anorexia.

Aw.

Isabelle Caro. A real tough little fighter, she was. She fought that damn "disease" like a tiger - but in the end, the tiger won out.

Said some foofy French doctor, "Caro's long struggle with anorexia emphasizes how pervasive a disease it is."

You see? He called it a struggle. And he said the word, "disease." A "disease," by the way, that only seems to target bored dipshit females of middle and upper income levels... um, but never mind any of that - it's a disease, damnit! We have to fight this damn dirty disease - we have to fight it like little Miss Caro fought it!

We must fight the tiger! We must do WHATEVER it takes to defeat the evil anorexia!

But so, you ask... what can we do to beat this all-powerful destroyer of rich white girls?

Well, I'll tell you:

All you rich white girls, you must EAT.

Oh, I know, I know - it's so HARD to eat! Yes! It's hard - it seems impossible, insurmountable, even - but you can do it! You can beat the tiger if you really, really try!

You must open your mouths, my young pretties, and you must...

(Don't be afraid, young ones!)

...You must EAT A FUCKING SANDWICH, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

Jesus fucking Christ.

What, exactly, do these fucking things do?

2010-12-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

Look at this piece of shit:

It's called the F-35. Do you know what it does?

It flies around and shoots at shit.

Just like this thing does:

There are some differences:

1) The F-35 can take off vertically, the F-15 can't.

2) The F-15 costs $30 million per copy, the F-35 costs...

Wait. The fucking people we pay to know how much this fucking piece of shit costs, DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT COSTS.

I shit you not:

"United States Air Force budget data in 2010, along with other sources, projects the F-35 to have a flyaway cost that ranges between US$89 million and US$200 million dollars per copy."

PressToTest was able to gain an exclusive interview with the USAF general in charge of the F-35 acquisition program, (who requested anonymity as a condition for his candid conversation):

PTT: "So, General - Your own budget estimate shows per-unit cost of the F-35 between $89 and $200 million dollars. So... which is it? Does your new jet cost $89 million dollars?"

Gen: "I'm not sure. I don't know. I can't answer that."

PTT: "Does it cost $200 million dollars?"

Gen: "I'm not sure. I don't know. I can't answer that."

PTT: "Let's move on."

Gen: "Right."

PTT: "What exactly, General, does the F-35 do, that the F-15 doesn't?"

Gen: "Well now, I'm glad you asked me that. The F-35 can take off straight up. That old warhorse, the F-15, it can't do that."

PTT: "I see. And... taking off straight up is necessary for a modern fighter?"

Gen: "Absolutely."

PTT: "Why is that?"

Gen: "Well now, uh... well, it's a very impressive demonstration of air power. And it's.. um, well... well, let me give you an example: Let's say some terrorists break into an airbase, and then they walk up right next to the planes. You see, the F-35 can simply jump straight up, and run away from the terrorists. The F-15, well, it just can't do that."

PTT: "I see. So, by spending either $89 or $200 million dollars per airplane, our pilots will be able to run away from terrorists. Is that correct?"

Gen: "In a nutshell, yes."

PTT: "I see. So... now General, what would it cost to secure our airbases to the point where terrorists couldn't walk up to the airplanes?"

Gen: "Oh, quite a lot. I'd estimate, oh, probably around $20 million per base."

PTT: "I see."

Gen: "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

PTT: "You didn't get A's in math, did you General?"

Gen: "Well, I guess it's fair to say I've never been all that comfortable with numbers. Why do you ask?"

PTT: "Never mind. To get back to the original question, General, could you give a reason as to why exactly, you don't know how much you're paying for the F-35?"

Gen: "It takes off straight up. Didn't we already cover that?"

PTT: "And therefore..."

Gen: "Straight up in the air, man! Just like... Just like a damn chicken! It's incredible!!!"

PTT: (sound of gun firing)

Gen: "Jesus fuck - he shot himself in the head! Medic! Medic!"

Jesus fuck, indeed.

Always figured those boys were "funny"

2010-12-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

High school PE:

Jesus Christ - the memories... they aren't good.

Freezing my skinny ass off, standing in line for roll call. Out fucking side - in the bitter, freezing, California winter...

Hairy, mongoloid bullies breaking our necks playing "touch" football - with the coaches giggling on the sidelines...

Pointless running up and down the field in that Goddamned STUPID fucking Euro-retard quest, where you couldn't touch the ball with anything but your feet, and...

And, every once in a while, it rained.

And then...

And then, we went into the gym, and we laid down the mats, and we...

Oh God.

We wrestled.

Or, to be truthful, some of us wrestled. I only tried it once, and that one time was more than enough to forever convince me that I just didn't particularly care to be held down by some other dude, with his balls mashed up against my mouth. I did me a little scouting around, and found a nice dark corner in the top of the bleachers where I could read my tattered sci-fi novels until coach blew his whistle, and all that male/male balls-in-face bullshit was over. Until...

Until, the day I got caught "slacking."

"DOMEIER! YOU-SOME-KIND-OF-SISSY-BOY-THINK-YER-TOO-PRETTY-TO-WRASSLE-WITH-THE-REST-OF-THESE-MEN!?"

"Yes sir. That is correct, sir. I don't enjoy testicles touching my face, sir, and I don't enjoy having my own testicles touching some other dude's face. I am apparently, indeed, a sissy boy. Sir."

"WELL-MAYBE-WE-SHOULD-GET-YOU-A-NICE-COZY-ARMCHAIR, DOMEIER; YOU-CAN-SIT-ON-YOUR-SCRAWNY-ASS-AND-READ, WHILE-THE-REST-OF-THESE-MEN-WRASSLE. THAT-SOUND-LIKE-A-GOOD-IDEA, DOMEIER!?"

"Yes, sir. I would like that, sir."

"YOU-ARE-A-LOST-CAUSE, DOMEIER! A-LOST-CAUSE!"

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

Wrestling.

I'm sorry, but that shit is just not right.

Not right at all. Far, far, motherfucking far from right.

Sissy boy. Whatever. At least I don't have balls in my face, or...

Or, a Goddamn finger UP MY ASS.

Look at this shit:

WAS BUCHANAN WRESTLER'S MOVE AN ILLEGAL ACT?
Buchanan High athlete faces trial on a charge of sexual battery
The Fresno Bee, Monday, Dec. 06, 2010

In a crowded gym during practice in front of parents and coaches, the Buchanan High School wrestler tackled a teammate and executed a move his coaches taught him. He inserted his fingers between the boy's buttocks.

It's called the "butt drag," in which a wrestler grabs a rival's butt cheek and puts fingers in the anus to get leverage. The move is widely used at matches around the country and has been around for decades.

"It just doesn't make sense," said Preston's father, Darren Hill. "His coaches taught him the move when he was in middle school. All the wrestlers use it and my son did it in front of his coaches at a school-sponsored event."

You can um... link, um... to the article by clicking the title above, (just in case you thought I made this shit up!)

I'm tellin' you, I always knew there was something "funny" about dudes who like to wrestle... you know, with other dudes.

Listen:

Young wrestling dude who sticks your Goddamned finger up other dudes' assholes:

Listen:

YOU ARE GAY.

Okay? You got it?

Go get a boyfriend, you fucking idiot. There are plenty of other gay dudes out there, and they actually enjoy having fingers (and you know, other things,) jammed up their assholes. They also like rolling around on mattresses with other dudes, and they even enjoy having other dudes' balls mashed into their faces.

I knew it, Goddamnit, I always fucking knew it: You wrestling fags are fucking GAY. Goddamnit. So...

So, Goddamnit - get the fuck out of the closet and embrace who the fuck you are.

Oh...

And get YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FINGERS OUT OF OTHER (straight) DUDES' ASSHOLES. That just ain't right, Goddamnit.

It ain't right.

Fuckin' funny boys.

Jesus fucking Christ.

What an odd feeling...

2010-12-22T18:16:00.000-08:00

Things that make me happy, things that piss me off... But mostly things that piss me off.

I guess I'm mostly pissed off. Pretty much most of the time. But...

But, I guess that's a little bit of a problem right now. I haven't been pissed off lately, and so, I haven't had anything to write.

I guess I'm... um... happy?

Look: Look how happy I was when this photo was taken:

I don't remember why I was so happy, but I sure did look happy. Maybe I'd just been told I was going to get a free blowjob... or maybe I was happy my hair wasn't all white yet? I don't know. I don't remember. But anyway, that's about how I feel right now, except I don't have a picture of it.

Oh well.

Fuckit.

Happy.

Hope you're happy, too.

Merry Christmas from PressToTest.

Two fer two

2010-12-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

Pretty good day.

Don't-ask-don't-tell is finally repealed, and the "DREAM" act is shot down in flames. Which means...

Which means, I won twice today! Shazam, Sergeant Carter - Shazam! Duke Slater can finally come out of the closet!

All gay dudes and dudettes: Go have yourselves a celebratory cocktail. Wait. I mean... I mean, go have a beer or something. You know what I mean.

And all you Illegal Fucking Julios: Go suck a cock. You know what I mean, too.

I mean, go suck a cock.

Sweet.

Silly Muslims - Technology is for humans

2010-12-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

Oh man, it's almost sad. Another day, another stupid Muslim Animal in the news for spraying his guts all up and down the sidewalk, (but as is typical, at a nice, safe distance away from all the humans he was trying to blow up.)

Aw, silly Muslims. When will you dog-brains ever figure it out?

You need to have a little smarts in order to assemble a decent bomb - and in order to have a little smarts, you need first to qualify as a human being. You need... you know - a brain that's at least slightly larger than say... that of a rabbit.

Now... How do ever expect to pick up a little of them human-type smarts, when you spend all your Goddamn time nodding over the pages of that stupid book you're constantly reading? And that reminds me - why the fuck are you reading the same Goddamn book over and over? You think maybe the ending's going to change if you read it enough times?

Look, Fido: You need to wise up. Quit reading the stupid fucking quran, and pick up a basic guide to electric circuits - it ain't like bombs are fucking rocket science.

Here: This is how to hide your secret studying, so that all the other dogs in your mosque don't realize you're not reading the quran:

Okay now... Did that help? Are you going to actually fucking STUDY for your next suicide bombing, or are you just gonna fuck it up, as usual?

The choice is all yours, dog-brains.

Woof.

Buy that judge a beer!

2010-12-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

(Reuters) - A judge in Virginia on Monday declared a key part of President Barack Obama's landmark healthcare law unconstitutional...

U.S. District Judge Henry Hudson, appointed to the bench by President George W. Bush in 2002, backed the state of Virginia's argument that Congress exceeded its authority by requiring Americans to start buying health insurance in 2014 or face a fine.

Thank fucking Allah, FINALLY someone in the fed fucking government has read the motherfucking constitution.

There was never any doubt this provision was unconstitutional, and a blatant congressional usurpation of unauthorized power, right from the very motherfucking beginning of this horseshit.

Two words, Obama:

FUCK YOU.

Wait. Three more words:

IN YO FACE!

Dangit. More words:

UP YER NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE!

Oh, and...

SIT ON IT, POTSY!

I am The Prophet!

2010-12-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

Worship me, you fools - for I am The Prophet! I told you this would happen, and Goddamnit, but is it ever starting to happen!

The end of civilization is upon us. It's on, bitch, and I fuckin' told you it was coming.

Look at London falling to chaos over proposed increase in university fees. Look at it for what it is, and just imagine what's in store when food and heating costs jump 80%. They're going to burn that motherfucker down. And...

And it's not just London. Africa is already boiling in famine, the middle east and Asia are a cunt hair away from nuclear mishap or planned use; Mexico exists in anarchy, and the good ol' USA is maybe months away from turning the corner into full-on economic depression. And...

And, we even have a perfect little model, acting in accelerated time where we can safely observe (for now,) what's soon enough coming for our own asses: It's called Haiti.

The world is filled to bursting with rat-like humans, and our systems of rat governance are collapsing as a result. Rat-humans, who, through their selfish desire to "carry-on their names," through their lust fo pussy, through their ignorance, idiocy and hubris, refuse even now in these final days of civility, to stop, or to even consider slowing their astronomical rate of reproduction, and...

And, that's it. That's the end of us rats.

Too many motherfucking rat-mouths for too little resource, and when the rats get hungry, they...

Well, you know what they do: They eat each other.

But...

But, am I not a FALSE Prophet? Am I not speaking heresy against our wise and holy providers of solutions and answers; Am I not defying the Great and Wonderful Obama; Am I not spitting in the faces of The Steve Jobs and The Al Gore? No! I AM NOT!

Listen to those men! Listen until your motherfucking ears fall off, to those purveyors of "green" this, and "sustainable" that, but...

But, when you're done listening, go ahead and run their bullshit ideas for SAVING THE PLANET through your brain: Take for example, the STUPID NAKED HIPPIE idea (myth, actually,) of growing corn for use as fuel, and simply process the fact that such "green" conversion requires more fuel to make than it produces.

Take the example of "zero emission," electric cars, and remind yourself that the process to manufacture them creates more emissions and waste than the building of conventional, internal combustion vehicles. Then, you may remind yourself that the energy needed to power these pieces of shit is no less than that required for existing cars, and that said power is being produced not at all in a zero, or even low emissions fashion, but from good old fashioned electrical generating plants, burning coal or gas or... or, good heavens, Camilla - petroleum! Good heavens! DO SOMETHING!

No, I'm sorry. There are simply NO "green" or magic bullet solutions to the only real problem the earth faces, and in fact, all those complacency-generating buckets of bullshit actually make the true problem even worse: Teaching school children that everything's gonna be all right as long as they meticulously sort their garbage into separate bins before throwing it out, only creates a false sense of security in those little dipshits, and it does nothing to educate them as regards our only true problem:

No one is telling those little fuckers that the only way they'll save their planet is if they STOP FUCKING OUT MORE FUCKING BABIES.

Rats. More and more and more rats. Human rats. More of 'em fucked out every minute, and with each new mouth, the clock of doom ticks just that much faster. The rats, they are upon us. We've made too many rats, and the new rats are making...

...more rats.

Go figure.

Listen what I say, puny humans, for I am The Prophet!

Go now: Go and dig your bunkers in the swamps and woods, (if you can find a swamp or woods that isn't already filled to bursting with rat-humans,) and buy soup, my friends. And buy arms. And ammo. And fuel. And...

And condoms, you fucking idiots.

Prophet out.

Thanks, Jesus!

2010-12-11T19:56:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while, I'm a big believer in the good works of The Lord:

(12-11) 18:32 PST Compton, Calif. (AP) --
Authorities say a 20-year-old graffiti tagger was killed when he was hit by two cars after painting the median of the 710 Freeway in Compton.

Welcome to the San Jose Demolition Derby (License, Insurance, Residency not required)

2010-12-09T08:08:00.000-08:00

Are you an Illegal Fucking Julio? Want to drive a car, but can't get a license, (you know, since you're NOT FUCKING SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING HERE, LET ALONE LIVING HERE)?

Well, I've got great news for you, vato! As a result of the tireless efforts of the naked hippie, touchie fucking feelie assholes (who tend to live, by the way, in rather lovely neighborhoods where illegal Julios can't get past the guard house, and therefore where illegal fucking Julios aren't running around all day stealing tools, bicycles and whatever the fuck else isn't welded down,) your days of being HARASSED and PERSECUTED by the police - just because you don't have a drivers license or insurance - well, mi amigo, those awful days are over!

Check eet out, eh:

SAN JOSE, Calif. (KGO) -- Starting next week, the city of San Jose will change its controversial policy of impounding the cars of unlicensed drivers for 30 days. For years, Latino groups have claimed the policy unfairly targeted undocumented residents.

Latino? Wait. Don't you mean CRIMINAL advocacy groups?

Anyway, the CRIMINAL advocacy groups say the problem is, it's often harder for undocumented immigrants to get licenses.

Um... No shit? You mean to tell me it's "harder" for illegal aliens to get drivers licenses, as opposed to motherfucking impossible? All these years I thought that LEGAL residency was the first fucking part of the test, but I guess I was wrong. So...

So, what the flyin' fuck? Who the fuck down at the DMV is handing out licenses to people who DON'T FUCKING RESIDE IN CALIFORNIA???

Fuck. I digress.

They've [the CRIMINAL advocacy groups,] long protested that the vehicle seizures unfairly target them, causing this working class community much more economic hardship.

Wait...

This "working class community?" Isn't it illegal to work here if you don't FUCKING LIVE HERE???

God fucking damnit - my head is going to explode.

As early as next week, San Jose police say the department will end its 30 day impound policy, when unlicensed drivers get caught for minor traffic violations. Instead, officers will offer alternatives, like letting a licensed driver pick up the car, or if it's towed, a licensed driver can pay any fees and pick it up without having to wait 30 days.

Here's an idea: Let's make it a rule that the cops not only don't impound these illegal fucking cars, but they have to take Julio to Denny's and buy him a Grand Slam breakfast.

And then take him out behind the dumpster and blow him.

And then give him a ride home... wait. HE CAN'T GO "HOME" - HE DOESN'T FUCKING LIVE HERE.

Some don't agree with the change, saying that unlicensed drivers are a threat to public safety.

"Some?" Not "EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING LEGAL RESIDENT WHO WAS BORN WITH A GODDAMNED BRAIN IN HER HEAD?"

Have you ever been crashed into by an illegal fucking Julio, driving an illegal fucking Julio car, with no brakes, no license and NO GODDAMNED INSURANCE?

Well, Goddamnit - I have.

It ain't fun. In fact, it's a motherfucking nightmare. An expensive fucking nightmare - if, of course - you're not fucking DEAD.

Get ready, all my LEGAL RESIDENT Californios, because...

Because, you're next. And...

And, you can thank the touchie-feelies, and you can thank the Goddamned, motherfucking City of San Jose.

For looking after the "rights" of drunken fucking Julios, while ignoring yours.

As usual.

Fuck me. Fuck you.

As fucking usual.

Goddamnit - We have the stupidest fucking 'problems'

2010-12-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

This morning's STUPID FUCKING HEADLINE:

CNN: INSIDE ONE BOY'S ANOREXIA: 'HOW CAN I BURN THE MOST CALORIES?'

"...Instead of savoring food, Eric felt disgusted. He would flush his lunch down the toilet... And more children like him are developing eating disorders early..."

Key words: 'children like him.'

American children. Motherfucking pampered, dipshit, useless Goddamned American children. Like him.

You ever see any fucking Ethiopian kids 'suffering' from anorexia?

No. You have not.

We have the stupidest motherfucking 'problems' of any nation on earth.

"You will succeed"

2010-12-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

President Barack Obama made a brief, unannounced visit to troops at Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan, yesterday, telling them "you will succeed."

What is that - a fucking fortune cookie message?

You will succeed - at what?

You'll succeed at learning how to walk again?

...or maybe...

Maybe you'll succeed at propping up a corrupt, puppet government for another month?

...or maybe...

Maybe, you'll succeed at pushing the Taliban out of some shit-dirt, crossroads village, only to see them move right back into the shit-dirt, crossroads village you "liberated" the week before?

What, exactly, will you succeed at?

Wait. I got it:

You will succeed at allowing Barack Obama to continue ignoring your useless slaughter and sacrifice.

You will succeed.

Hang in there, boys: The president says you will succeed! Regardless the fact you cannot win, you are all winners!

You will succeed.

Credibility

2010-12-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

The Pentagon has finally released its internal study on the effect of acknowledging there are a few homos serving in the military. The study concluded that the effect...

...doesn't affect anything.

But...

But, then there's the following "news" headline this morning:

JOHN MCCAIN CALLS STUDY ON GAYS IN MILITARY FLAWED

I guess we'd better take a closer look at that study, and see if ol' Johnny is seeing something the rest of us missed.

I mean, after all...

After all, the man does possess a little CREDIBILITY - don't you agree?

Let's not forget: This is the man, who - without even having met her, and without knowing the first fucking thing about her - this is the man who pulled Sarah Fucking Palin out of a trailer on the tundra, and tried to sell her as QUALIFIED to lead our nation.

Now that's credibility, if ever I've seen Goddamned, motherfucking credibility.

Thanks, Johnny.

Thanks for looking into this. I trust you, man. I trust your CREDIBILITY. I trust you'll review this study with exactly as much forethought and seriousness as you put into picking your vice presidential candidate in 2008.

Worry not, America: John McCain is watching over us...

I admonish you!

2010-11-29T08:48:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been admonished?

What about scolded - have you ever been scolded? Yelled at? Has anyone ever told you you're a bad, bad person? Have you ever been censured?

That's the very worst Charlie fucking Rangel faces for crimes that would have put you, or me, or any of us, in fucking prison. For a long, long time.

Censure. Admonishment.

Because he's a politician. And...

And, because Charlie Rangel's a politician, he can commit all the motherfucking crime he'd like, short of murder, without any possibility of prosecution or incarceration. This is because we allow our crooked politicians to operate outside of law; we allow our crooked politicians to be tried and "sentenced," by...

Jesus fuck. By other crooked fucking politicians. And...

And, because all those other politicians are committing the same exact fucking crimes as Charlie - with the only difference being the fact that they haven't been caught yet - those other politicians, they see good ol Charlie as nothin' but good ol' Charlie.

They see the situation very much like coming downstairs after a party, to find one of their frat brothers raping a passed-out 12 year-old on the couch.

That triggers a process. It goes like this:

1) "Hey - I want to fuck her too. Let me in there when you're done."
2) "Wait. Somebody called the cops?"
3) "Oh! Oh! You bad, bad person! Everyone look at the bad person raping the 12 year-old on the couch!"
4) "Kindly note, oh fair policemen - it was not I who was raping the 12 year-old on the couch. In fact, I was just on my way down the hall to call 911 when you broke the door down."
5) "I ADMONISH this bad, bad, person! Oh, but look how BAD he is."

6) (Hours later) Organize kegger to raise bail for your "brother."

Congressional Censure.

What a steaming fucking crock of shit.

Charlie: You know what you've done, and you know what the neighbors would do to you if you ever showed that arrogant fucking puss of yours outside the Goddamn frat house we call the House of Representatives.

We would fist-fuck you. And then we would hang you. And then we would piss on your corpse. But...

But, hey - don't worry: It's just that rabble called the citizens who'd do that to you, and you know damn well your frat brothers (and sorority sisters,) of The House On The Hill will keep you safe, happy and rolling in cash.

Now stand still, brother - we must punish you:

"You've been a very bad man, Charlie. Very bad."

Okay, that's it. And yes, I know those words hurt, but it really wasn't all that painful, now was it?

See you at the kegger tonight.

ps. Does that 12 year-old have any younger sisters?

pps. Almost forgot, dear brother: You can get away with murder as a US congressman. Ah, I tear up remembering our dear departed brother, Teddy. Now there was a guy we could all look up to...

The Anti-Bullshit Machine

2010-11-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

ABSM. The Anti-Bullshit machine. Ever wanted to own one? A machine, that when plugged in, would sit quietly humming in the corner and automatically remove all bullshit; all bullshit, all the time, all the fuck over the whole Goddamned world?

Sounds silly, I know, but this machine actually exists. It's called WikiLeaks. ABSM. I love my ABSM.

There's one little problem, though: The US Department of State is wholly against the philosophy of Anti-Bullshit, and they would very much prefer that you never, ever, switch your Anti-Bullshit machine on. They get in trouble, you see, when their bullshit is exposed for... well, for bullshit.

The ABSM works on a principle that is wholly intolerant of damn near all communication that emanates from that particular government agency; because from the mouth of the Secretary on down, all the way down to the idle-idiot-playboys and venereal-warted "ladies" we call our ambassadors, it's all bullshit. All of it.

Everything they say, everything they write: Bullshit. Plain and simple.

Pure.

Unadulterated.

Bullshit.

In all fairness though, they don't call their bullshit, "bullshit" - they call it "diplomacy."

And when the ABSM catches them in their lies, they say the following:

"...The US state department has said the release will put many lives at risk..."

More bullshit, I'm afraid. More, and more, and even more bullshit. Code bullshit, to be specific.

"...many lives will be at risk..."

That's code for, "We don't want the leaders of India to find out we've secretly been laughing behind their backs all these years at how motherfucking awful they all smell."

"...many lives will be at risk..."

We don't want Hamid Karzai to be exposed to the American public for allowing Osama bin Laden the extended use of his guest bedroom.

"...many lives will be at risk..."

There is actually a modicum of truth in that statement, but it's not intended for you, and it's certainly not intended for American GI's. Their lives are already at risk, and they're at risk in spite of anything WikiLeaks has ever brought to light. Their lives are at risk for nothing.

We don't want the GI's to find out that they're dying for nothing; that they're dying for the sake of Hamid Karzai's continued position at the very top of the US payroll, and for the sake of our president's 'honor,' and for the sake of it's-so-much-fucking-easier-to-let-these-wars-run-than-to-confront-the-truth-and-walk-the-fuck-away.

"...many lives will be at risk..."

Many political lives, starting with Barack Obama's and Hillary Clinton's political lives.

Go out and get an ABSM of your own today. Plug it in. Listen to it hum. And then...

And then, for God's fucking sake, open your motherfucking eyes.

Wake. The fuck. Up.

Support WikiLeaks; support the Anti-Bullshit machine.

The ABSM is our messenger. Don't shoot it.

Boating with the TSA

2010-11-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said this week that her department is considering beefing up security at all the other fucking places we go besides airports.

Fucking lovely.

Lesson for the day:

Never hire a bull dyke to run your security program.

She'll:

1) pull on her man-pants and go apeshit with her newfound position of "authority," and,

2) attempt to apply happy-happy-we-love-everyone-the-same-LGBT "sensibilities" to a task that (were common sense utilized,) only require a little extra scrutiny be applied to young Muslim males, or

3) you know: Dudes who look like this:

or,

4) dudes who look like this:

URGENT: SAVE THE WEALTHY BLACK MEN

2010-11-25T14:56:00.000-08:00

Forget the whales:

Wealthy minorities NEED our help! If we don't act, they could LOSE THE BANKS THEY OWN.

Jesus fuck - I'm not making this up.

Representative Maxine Waters, in defense of allegations she attempted to steer TARP money into the sweaty fucking palms of her own filthy rich, (minority,) husband, said...

"...she was simply trying to help all minority banks in trouble — and specifically those, like OneUnited, [you know, the one her husband owns] that were hurt by their investments in the then-collapsing mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac."

Well now - aint dat jes a breath o fresh air?

Here I thought da evil bitch was tryin to work some speshul bidness fo her own man an shit - when all da while - she be workin speshul bidness fo all da bank owners what be peeples' o color.

I almost got upset there for a second. That was close. Whew.

Thank God for Maxine Waters. I mean, thank God if you're black and own a bank. She lookin out fo you an shit!

Now... if you're white and own a bank, well I guess I feel a little bad for you... but cheer up: Hell, you're still white. No matter you lost your fucking bank, and no matter your elected fucking "representative" concentrates exclusively on arranging federal bailouts for people who share her own skin color. Jes nevuh you mine any o dat now, chile. You white. You da devil. You needs to git punished fo bein born dat coluh.

...And Maxine Waters gon take care dat sityooashun an shit.

...And it be legal an shit.

...Oh yeah.

...Sho nuff.

...Sho nuff.

...Fuck me.

"Our North Korean Allies"

2010-11-25T08:53:00.001-08:00

Oh Sarah...

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

"Obviously, we gotta stand with our North Korean allies."

Wait. She wasn't done:

"And we're also bound by prudence to stand with our South Korean allies, yes."

I mean... all them little zipperheads look the same to me - am I right? You betcha I'm right.

Where's Korea located exackly in Vietnam, anyways?

Quote of the Century

2010-11-24T18:42:00.001-08:00

"The criminalization of politics undermines our very system."

(Former senator Tom Delay, minutes after being found guilty of the crime of money laundering.)

Oh the irony, William, the irony!

Why we hate them

2010-11-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

A bunch of congressfucks got together yesterday to discuss the burning question of, "WHY DO THEY HATE US?"

Oh, I beg your pardon - wrong picture! When the fucktards were asking, "why do they hate us?," they weren't talking about the fruitloop, bestial Muslims.

Here - let me try again:

Well, shit. That's close, but it's still the wrong picture. While there are plenty of people across this land who do indeed despise Obama, that's still not quite what they were talking about at that meeting. That picture doesn't refer at all to the "us" in "why do they hate us?"

Fuck. Give me one more chance.

Let's see...

How about this?

Yep. That's it.

Why do they hate us?

That's what the congressfucks were wondering, and the "they" are US citizens, and the "us" is motherfucking congress. We fucking hate you assholes. And so...

And so, dear congressmen and congressladies: Do you really want to know why we fucking hate you? Is it really all that Goddamn muddy to you?

It's because of how you think, and because of what you say. Look: Here's what y'all said as regards that little meeting yesterday:

"There was a lot of passion in that room," one senator said. "The reason is because the public is with us on our policies, but they’re not getting the message."

You stupid motherfuckers. Listen to yourselves! You dumb fucking cunts. You motherfucking morons. The public is NOT with you on your Goddamn policies - because you don't have any Goddamn policies. We get your message crystal clear, you idiots - your radios are transmitting, but you aren't fucking saying anything! What is your Goddamn message? What is your Goddamn policy?

It's this:

If Democrats keep losing the message war, they worry, they will be wiped out in 2012.

There's your fucking policy. There's your fucking message: Hold on to power, and fuck anyone who tries to get in our Goddamn way.

That's it. That's all you're fucking concerned with. That is your "message," and that is your "policy." Your one fucking focus in the entire fucking universe.

Healthcare? Don't care. Wars? Bores. The economy? What economy? Unemployment? Butt ointment. Secondary. All of it. None of that shit matters, when compared with GETTING RE ELECTED IN 2012.

You fucking assholes. We hate you. We hate what you've done to our nation. We hate that you destroy us through ever-increasing taxation without representation. We hate that you're all for sale to the highest bidder. We hate that you've found it convenient to simply ignore the daily carnage of two useless wars; wars where everybody's (everybody elses',) kids are getting their asses blown off for no better reason than protecting Hamid Karzai's bank account. But mostly, we hate you because...

Because. You. Do. NOTHING.

Every day. Nothing. That's what you do. Nothing, that is, besides sweat your balls off trying to remain in office for the sake of remaining in office.

You motherfucking pigs.

If Democrats keep losing the message war, they worry, they will be wiped out in 2012.

Fuck me. Fuck us all. We're fucked, fucked, fucked.

Everyone is fucked.

Everyone who isn't a Charlie Rangel or a Hamid Karzai.

Fucked.

Fuck.

You motherfucking pigs.

You arrogant, selfish little fucktards

2010-11-17T16:29:00.000-08:00

POLICE CLASH WITH CA STUDENTS AT TUITION PROTEST

...About 300 students and workers participated in the demonstration ahead of Thursday's expected board vote on an 8 percent tuition hike, which would follow a 32 percent fee increase this year.

"We're paying so much more for our fees, but we're getting so much less in return," said Jonathan Ly, 19, a sophomore majoring in political science and economics at UC Merced. "Class sizes are increasing. We're not getting enough classes."

O, boo fuckin' hoo.

Tough shit, asshole. If you don't pay, then I have to pay - and I ain't fuckin' payin' any more than I already am for your motherfucking college degree.

Fuckin' assholes.

You don't want to pay for college?

Join the fucking army.

Fucktard assholes.

Failure to communicate

2010-11-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

Hooray! The Messiah President has just published a new children's book! Hooray! Hooray! Oh, but isn't that just wonderful news!?

OBAMA PUBLISHES NEW BOOK
The 31-page book, entitled Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters, honors thirteen Americans who embody traits Obama sees in First Children Malia and Sasha.

Pretty much every news article describing the event has handily pointed out that, "...don't worry, [Obama] delivered the manuscript before his inauguration..."

I don't care.

I don't care if he wrote the stupid fucking thing when he was eating coconuts in Indonesia, or even if he penned it while still bouncing around in his schizophrenic mother's motherfucking womb. I don't fucking care.

I don't want the busy-with-every-fucking-thing-that-DOESN'T-matter-motherfucker, releasing children's books, publishing children's books, talking about children's books, thinking about children's books, or shoving Goddamn motherfucking children's books up his Goddamn motherfucking ass.

He can write all the Goddamn children's books he wants, come 2013, (when he's not busy trying to figure out why he wasn't re-elected.)

So.

So, here are some words. Some words someone used to perfectly describe another famous man; another famous man who NEVER FUCKING 'GOT IT':

"What we've got here, is...failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men..."

...and what the hell - here's one more:

"Heckuva job, Brownie. Heckuva job."

Want to live on Mars? It's easy!

2010-11-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

Huh. I'll be damned.

Illegal immigrants who graduated from state high schools can continue to receive lower, in-state tuition at California's public universities and colleges, the California Supreme Court decided unanimously Monday.

The ruling is the first of its kind in the nation. California is one of 10 states that permit undocumented immigrants to receive in-state tuition, which can save them $23,000 a year at the University of California.

So...

So, let's see...

If I live in Nevada and I want to attend UC Berkeley, I have to pay the out-of-state tuition rate. Because...

Because, I don't live in California, I live in Nevada.

Wait. Something doesn't make sense here. Because...

Because, if I live in Tijuana... I live in...

Wait.

If I live in Tijuana, I live in California?

Is that right?

I guess I kinda like that sort of "logic." You see, I've always thought it'd be cool to live on Mars, and now, because of the California Supreme Court, I can. I can "live" any Goddamn fucking place I want - and I don't even have to go there! All I have to do is click my heels three times, and say, "I live in California, I live in California, I live in California."

Look! Try it yourself - it's easy!

"I live on Mars, I live on Mars, I live on Mars." Never fucking mind that I live in San Jose, that doesn't count. I said I live on Mars, Goddamnit, and according to the Cal Supreme Court, that's all I fucking have to do in order to make my dream come true.

Oh - I almost forgot - there is one little catch:

In order to work the Incredible Supreme Court Magic Residence Change, you'll need to change your name before you click your heels.

Try Julio, Roberto, or maybe Paco.

For some reason, the spell only works on people with Hispanic names...

What's wrong with this sentence?

2010-11-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

Look: Here's a sentence from one of today's major news stories:

Major Nidal Hasan, an Army psychiatrist, is charged with 13 counts of premeditated murder, along with 32 counts of attempted premeditated murder.

There's something wrong with that sentence. Wait... there are two things, specifically, wrong with that sentence.

Can you find the two errors?

Want a hint?

Okay. Here ya go:

1) "Major Nidal Hasan..." That is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

There should not be anyone in our armed forces named, Nidal Hasan. Mr. Hasan is Muslim, and as we, ("we" the people, that is, not "we" the dumb fucking assholes in US Army administration who allowed a Muslim to become an active duty officer,) are all well aware, Goddamn fucking Muslims should NOT BE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE US MOTHERFUCKING ARMY. For Chrissakes - they give those assholes guns - and grenades - and tanks! The fuck, over???

It's bad enough we let 'em run the Goddamn Arco stations - but who the fuck let this cocksucking Allah-head into the fucking Army?

2) "...an Army psychiatrist..." WRONG! GAME SHOW BUZZER, FIRE ALARM, SIREN, KLAXON, THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE EMERGENCY BROADCASTING NETWORK - THIS IS NOT A TEST! REPEAT - THIS IS NOT A TEST! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!

Psychiatrist? A Muslim PSYCHIATRIST!? You're not MAKING THIS UP???

"Gee doc, I'm feeling a little down lately. What do you suggest?"

"ALLAHU! ALLAHU AKBAR! BOOM BOOM BOOM! BLOW UP THE INFIDEL! BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!"

"Um... Okay, I was thinking maybe you'd give me a prescription for Prozac. What's Allahu akbar? Is that a new anti-depressant?"

"SHOOT! SHOOT! KILL THE INFIDEL! MAKE LOVE TO GOATS! ALLAH! ALLAH! ALLAHU!!!"

Think: What would you do if you walked into a psychiatrist's office, only to find the motherfucker wearing a diaper on his head and nodding over his fucking koran as he mumbles, "kill the infidel, kill the infidel, fuck the goat, kill the infidel." You gonna hang around and confide to this freak about your relationship with your mother?

I don't think so.

What the fuck has happened to the US Army? The fuck has happened to common sense? Where the fuck did all the Goddamn motherfucking Americans go? WHO LET THIS HAPPEN???

Jesus fucking Christ. We're all concerned about what would happen if we allowed (outed) gays to serve, but we don't have any fucking problem with Muslims? We're good to go with diaper-headed animals who embrace the destruction of all that ain't Islamic? And we allow them to work as MOTHERFUCKING HEAD SHRINKERS?

Fuck.

Fuck me.

This is nuts.

I like this picture

2010-11-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, I like it. I really do.

Look: It's our newest ship! the USS Piece Of Fucking Shit

2010-11-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

Hey - Guess how much a piece of shit costs?

A penny?

Nope.

A dollar?

Nope.

A hundred dollars?

Nope. Today, a piece of shit costs ONE BILLION dollars.

That's what the US Navy paid for its latest "fighting" ship, the USS Jason Dunham.

Except... um.

Except, we don't have any "fighting" ships. We haven't had any fighting ships since World War 2, as we did sorta learn even prior to that lovely little conflagration that...

...that ships can't fight. They're big, they're slow; they can't fucking fight - unless of course, you define "fighting" as acting as a big fat fucking target for missiles, mines, torpedoes, bombs and Muslims-in-fucking-motorboats - and only if you define "fighting" as SINKING.

Me personally, I count that as sinking, not fighting, but hey - you go ahead and call it whatever you like.

Never mind that we do our most effective fighting with cheap, unmanned drone aircraft these days...

No, dear taxpayer, just never you fucking mind any of that. Just keep writing those billion dollar checks, you fucking morons, and shut the fuck up.

Fuck.

Anyway.

Fuckit.

So be it.

One fucking billion dollars of hard earned fucking cash for another Goddamn target to go cruise around the ocean until someone blows it up; until someone sinks it.

One BILLION fucking dollars.

We are insane.

All of us.

In fucking sane.

Message in a bottle

2010-11-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

George W. Bush’s pro-life stance solidified when he was a teenager in Texas — after his mother suffered a devastating miscarriage and showed him the fetus in a jar.

"She said to her teenage kid, ‘Here’s the fetus,’" the shockingly candid Bush told NBC’s Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat. "There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life."

"I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," Bush writes in his new book, “Decision Points,” in an excerpt Lauer read during the interview.

"There was a human life, a little brother or sister," Bush told the Today host.

Miss me yet?

Pollyanna goes to India

2010-11-09T09:04:00.001-08:00

During his three day visit that ended Tuesday, Obama delivered nearly everything on India's wish list.

He endorsed India's role in nearby Afghanistan, even though such a statement was sure to annoy India's regional rival Pakistan, a key U.S. ally in the Afghan war. He chided Pakistan for not cracking down heavily enough on anti-India militant groups operating there. He lifted export controls, allowing India to buy high-tech weaponry from the U.S., and he gave spirited support to Indian industry, maintaining it wasn't stealing American jobs, but helping create new ones.

And some people say Obama is naive; easily conned - a patsy?

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

How could anyone think that?

Ten Toys

2010-11-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

Ten toys that will fuck your kid up. Permanent.

http://guyism.com/humor/toys-that-will-permanently-screw-up-your-kid.html
(or click title above)

Go cholera!

2010-11-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

The death toll from the current cholera epidemic in Haiti has exceeded 500, the country's health ministry has said.

That's good news.

Wait... Do you think I'm fucked up for saying so?

If so, then what's your solution for Haiti? How are you going to save Haiti, if not through massive reduction in population?

Here's the current "plan" the world has agreed on:

1) Continue providing emergency shelter, food, medicine and clothing for victims of the latest hurricane/earthquake/famine/war/disease/whatever. So that...

2) So that, what? So that the survivors can breed, and bring even more mouths into their lovely little hell on earth that can't support anywhere near the mouths it already has?

Do you think Brad Pitt and his goofy wife will solve the problem by adopting millions of Haitian babies?

We are not helping Haiti by keeping Haitians alive. That's fucked up. The truth... is fucked up.

Go cholera.

Dis be funny

2010-11-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

With all the Johannes Mehserle/Oscar Grant hoopla going on, I forgot all about the funniest part of the whole deal:

Oscar's father filed a high dollar wrongful death suit over the shooting of his son. And...

And yes, I do realize that doesn't seem all that funny - and you're right - it's not funny... unless you know THE REST OF THE STORY:

Dead Oscar's father, Oscar Grant Jr., 44, is currently serving a life sentence at California State Prison-Solano in Vacaville for the first-degree murder of Anthony Epps in Oakland in 1985.

Ah, Oakland... It's such a funny place, filled with such funny people.

We should call the entire city a comedy club, and start charging admission to anyone who wants to come and watch all the funny people... watch all da funny-ass shit dey do.

Big Fucking Jesus

2010-11-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

They're putting up a Big Fucking Jesus statue somewhere in Poland.

Here's his Big Fucking Jesus Head:

Hmmmm...

There's something familiar about that face... something familiar about the crown.

I wonder where I've see that before?

Da fuck yo sign mean???

2010-11-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

I like this photo. It was taken earlier today at the Oscar Grant Protest/Lootathon in Oakland:

What I like about it, is that it's clearly obvious that dude's sign was heavily edited to make it easier fo da brothuhs an sistuhs to unnuhstan. Look at the smaller words that were squeezed in on top of the original message.

Now. Look at how it appeared before brothuh got smart, and added dem splanayshuns:

Whoops.

I wonder how many times dude had to explain his message before he fixeded it?

The Obamacare Massacre

2010-11-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

Washington, 11/4/2010 -- President Obama said Wednesday that he had been humbled and his party "shellacked" by its landslide losses Tuesday, but he rejected the idea that his policies on health care, the stimulus or bailouts had been repudiated.

The Pollyanna principle (also called Pollyannaism or positive bias) describes the tendency for people to agree with positive statements describing themselves.

It's a close call as to who's more retarded; Obama, or the sixty former House members who supported Obamacare - in direct fucking opposition to the very people they swore to represent?

We told you we wouldn't forget your votes on Obamacare, you motherfuckers.

You should have listened to us.

And we shall worship Him: At the Temple of the Rat

2010-11-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Uh oh...

OAKLAND -- People seeking stiff punishment for Johannes Mehserle plan to gather Friday in downtown Oakland as the former BART police officer is sentenced for killing unarmed train rider Oscar Grant.

Let's see now... Guess which bay area city I'm not gonna be in on Friday?

Groups including the New Years Movement, which formed after the shooting, plan to build a shrine to Grant starting at 2 p.m.

Nice. Let's all get together and build a shrine to honor the memory of a dead THUG.

Did Grant need to be killed by Mehserle while resisting arrest for fighting on a BART train? Probably not. However; Does the fact he was killed make him any less of a worthless piece of shit THUG?

No. It sho do not.

Grant served two state prison terms for various felonies including a conviction for drug dealing. In 2007 he was sentenced to 16 months in state prison for fleeing "from a traffic stop while armed with a loaded pistol". During that incident, near his Hayward home, San Leandro police stunned him with a Taser to subdue him after he threw the pistol into the air and ran. The arresting officers testified that, even after being Tasered, Grant "continued to resist efforts of the officers to handcuff him."

Nice kid, eh?

Oh well. Fuckit. Go ahead and build your Goddamn shrine, you fucking animals; Build it high, and build it strong. Let it reach up to the sky in "protest," and let it identify you for what you are: Rabble. Animals. Promoters of THUG culture. You are worshipers in the Temple of the Rat.

Go build your fucking shrine. I hope it falls on your fucking heads.

Oh, wait... I almost forgot: With all that "protesting" going on, please don't forget what you really came to do: Loot muhfuckahs - Loot da bitch! Git yoself a flat screen TV, bitch! Cause dat whut it bout!

Fo sho, bitch, fo sho.